AIG Rescued
The government is giving insurance giant AIG an $85 billion loan to keep the company alive. AIG will only have to pay Washington $1 million in monthly premiums, but they have a $500 billion deductible.

It's not clear whether the government is taking over AIG to save the economy, or to ensure that all the politicians will have a place to work after they get voted out of office in November.

AIG's management is thanking the federal government for the $85 billion loan, and is promising to be more responsible with the money by buying 85 billion lotto tickets.


The saddest result of the taxpayers officially taking control of AIG is tha now our government has turned every American into an insurance salesman.



FBI Assures Congress
The FBI is telling Congress that its inquiry into the anthrax killings is "conclusive,"... mostly because all the victims are definitely still dead.



Impact on the City
The collapse on Wall Street is sending shivers throughout the New York City economy. Real estate prices may fall, crime might rise, and there's just no way anyone is going to shell out 10 grand for a Jets personal seat license now.



Ganging Up
Both Barack Obama and John McCain are bashing Wall Street executives, complaining that they were irresponsible, greedy, and haven't been sending them their campaign donations on time the last few weeks.