AIG Next?
The next firm to collapse could be the world's largest insurance company, AIG. It's a potentially crushing blow since ironically, no one at the company has any insurance.



Wall St. Emergency
New York City is doing everything it can to ease the Wall Street crisis. Emergency funds are being tapped, regulations are being eased, and all strip clubs are being ordered to offer lap dances at half price.



Gas Gouging
Hundreds of gas stations across the country are being accused of using Hurricane Ike as an excuse to jack up prices. My gas station is also using the storm as an excuse to continue not cleaning the bathroom for the 33rd year in a row.



Petraeus Steps Down
General David Petraeus stepped down from his command in Iraq today. His new mission is to protect Lehman Brothers, AIG and Citigroup from creditors and short sellers.



Hannah's Hunk
15-year-old Miley Cyrus is reportedly dating a 20-year-old model. This can mean only one thing: Cyrus' mom is planning to run for vice president.