Morgan Merger?
Morgan Stanley and Wachovia are considering a merger. Executives from both firms apparently hope they'll die faster if they hold each others hands while they jump out the window.



Bribery Probe
The FBI is looking into reports that oil companies bribed officials at the Department of the Interior with sex and drugs. Investigators are specifically looking for any evidence of rock n' roll.



Bush Cancels Trip
President Bush has canceled a trip to Alabama and Florida to focus on the country's economic struggles, and see if he can sell the White House on eBay.



Bridge Reopens
The Minneapolis bridge that collapsed last year has finally been repaired and it reopened today. The event would have been more joyous if there was anyone who could still afford to drive.



Touched by an Angel
A new poll shows that 55% of Americans believe they've had some kind of intimate spiritual contact with an angel... and 90% of them are suing those angels for sexual molestation.



Winning by Losing
A new survey shows kids learn more from being on losing sports teams than winning ones... which explains why everyone on the Mets is a genius lately.