Tuesday, August 31, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm in a special Republican Convention edition of the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Bush Admission
President Bush now says it's not likely we'll win the war on terror. Not because Americans don't have the resolve, it's just that the Bush team can't find any proof that Osama bin Laden lied about his service in Vietnam

Laura Changes Gears
First Lady Laura Bush says she now likes politics, and enjoys talking about all her husband's accomplishments as President. Well, at least her new hobby isn't too time-consuming.

Giuliani Praises Bush
Speaking at the Republican National Convention last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani praised President Bush and specifically cited his "leadership" during 9/11. Of course, the key part of that leadership was doing everything Giuliani told him to.

Giuliani Bashes Kerry
During his speech at the Republican National Convention last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said John Kerry can't lead the war on terror because he has "no vision." Of course most voters prefer that to President Bush, who led us into war because he thinks he had a vision.

McCain's Speech
Senator John McCain told Republican delegates last night that the decision to invade Iraq was right, despite what any "disingenuous filmmaker says." But it wasn't clear if McCain meant Michael Moore, or the guy who produced the TV ads for the "Swift Boat Veterans."

New Republican Supporter
Boxing promoter Don King is supporting President Bush and the Republicans. The GOP believes King can help them with boxing fans, African-Americans, and show them how to fix another election in Florida.

Protest Demands
A strange assortment of protesters continues to harass Republican delegates in New York. Peace activists want them to stop supporting the war in Iraq, environmentalists want them to change the party's energy policy, and the anarchists want them to work harder to get President Bush re-elected.

Monday, August 30, 2004

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new story published on TheFakeNews.com that I think you'll all enjoy! Here's the link: The Fake News

Insurgent Demands
Terrorists in Iraq have captured two journalists from France. Usually, when the insurgents capture civilians, they demand their countries pull their troops out -- but since these men are French, al Qaeda figured they'd be better off if they demanded that their home country bring troops IN.

Top 5 Questions on the Kobe Bryant Trial Jury Questionnaire

5) Could you vote to acquit a man even though he constantly shoots from beyond the 3-point line when he has a 7-Ft. teammate wide open under the basket?

4) Can you be impartial about a defendant, even though he's already endured a severe hardship... like losing his Sprite endorsement contract?

3) Aspen's summer vacation season is over. So do you think you could prolong your deliberations enough so the media has to stay in the city's hotels at least until we get skiing weather?

2) What's the best gift to give your wife when you're publicly unfaithful: a new car, a diamond necklace, or a separate bedroom?

1) What's the more severe sentence: 10 years in prison, or one season with the Clippers?

Penn Station Safety
Working to ensure safety for the Republican National Convention, New York City Police have quickly contained the most likely source of dangerous and toxic materials that could get into Penn Station. Of course they did that by closing the public bathrooms.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!! My big political comedy stand up show is TONIGHT!! The show starts at 7:30 PM. Please call (212) 595-0850 for reservations and here's the Stand Up NY web site link: Stand Up NY

Pentagon Spy
A Jewish employee at the Pentagon is accused of spying for Israel. The news is disappointing his superiors who wanted his loyalty, his fellow Jews who wanted his discretion, and his mother... who wanted him to be a doctor.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

News 12 Stalker
Police have finally found the man who was stalking and threatening several female anchors and reporters at the all news local station, News 12 Long Island. The good news is the man is in custody, the bad news is that News 12's ratings are down 34% since he went to jail.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Naked City
The city was shocked yesterday as naked demonstrators congregated near the site of the Republican National Convention. But the nude citizens say they weren't really protesting, it's just that getting naked is the only way to get near Madison Square Garden these days without getting frisked.

Bush Admission
In an interview yesterday with the New York Times, President Bush admitted that he "miscalculated" how strong the insurgency would be in Iraq. But afterwards, he realized the bigger miscalculation was agreeing to do an interview with the New York Times.

Protesters Nix Queens
After anti-war protestors were denied the use of Central Park for a massive demonstration, they were offered Flushing Meadow Park in Queens as an alternative. But organizers rejected that option because whenever people see thousands of deranged and angry protesters in Queens, everyone just assumes they're at a Mets game.

New MIT Prez
In what she calls a "huge personal achievement," Susan Hockfeld has just been named the first woman president of The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. But it's actually a much bigger achievement for MIT's faculty, alumni and students, who have finally proved that math geeks aren't always afraid of girls.

MTV Awards Move
This year's MTV Video Awards will be held in Miami instead of New York. The network says it wanted a change of scenery, needed to lower costs, and wanted to make sure the climate was warm enough for all the recording stars when they inevitably take their clothes off.

No Condom Class
New York City Public schools have decided not to require teachers to show high school students how to put on and use a condom. The biggest problem was that half the male teachers in the city kept volunteering to demonstrate the condoms on themselves.

Top 5 Classes Offered at the New Trump University

-Pre-nup economics

-Comb-over geometry

-Swedish for guys who want to date models

-The history of trophy wives

-The ego, superego, and Trump ego

Thursday, August 26, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have not one, but TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

No Park Protest
A judge has barred anti-Bush protesters from using Central Park for a big rally this Sunday. This means thousands of protesters will be marching without knowing where they'll end up, or if they'll be safe... so at least they'll finally learn what it's like to be a soldier in Iraq.

Krispy Kreme Results
Doughnut chain Krispy Kreme has announced a surprising drop in profits and a gloomier outlook for future growth. That's bad news for Krispy Kreme employees, investors, and the hundreds of lawyers planning to sue the company in obesity lawsuits.

Nixing Vioxx?
Health insurance companies may no longer provide customers with the anti-arthritis medication Vioxx, because studies show it can cause heart disease in elderly patients. But experts say the heart attacks only occur when seniors see how much the drug costs.

Corporate Screening
In response to the Enron and WorldCom scandals, more companies are using rigorous investigations to weed out potential liars, thieves and cheaters. Anyone found to have those characteristics won't be hired by the big companies, but they will be immediately referred to the Bush and Kerry campaigns.

Marriage Gap
A new poll shows that unmarried women are a lot more likely to vote for Democrats. That's because finding the right single woman is more important politically to Democratic candidates... just ask John Kerry and Jim McGreevey.

Single Mom Vote
A new poll shows unmarried women with children are much more likely to vote for Democrats. That's because they're much more likely to get child support if their kids' fathers have jobs.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Kerry Admission
John Kerry says the thing that makes him most uncomfortable about running for president is all the people who want to introduce themselves to him in the men's room. But he admitted that meeting admirers in public restrooms is probably much more of a problem
for Governor Jim McGreevey.

Cheney on Gay Marriage
The Bush campaign may be softening on the gay rights issue after Vice President Dick Cheney appeared to reverse himself yesterday and seemed to support gay marriage. But it's not clear if that reversal will mean as much to homosexual activists as the tremendous work Donald Rumsfeld and the Abu Ghraib commanders have done to further the cause of gay porn on the Internet.

GOP Warnings
Homeland Security officials will be advising people attending the Republican National Convention about all the terror threats and what could happen in the event of an attack. But they admit it will be hard to frighten the delegates after they hear four nights worth of speeches about how bad the country will get if John Kerry wins.

Dave Matthews Waste
The state of Illinois is suing the Dave Matthews Band for allegedly dumping 800 pounds of human waste from its tour bus into the Chicago River. But experts say the state would have a stronger case if it also sued the band for the excrement it dumps on hundreds of Illinois record stores every time they release a new CD.

Top 5 Dangerous Things Republican Delegates Should Look Out for While They're in New York

-Subversive gatherings of gay activists, otherwise known as "Broadway musicals"

-Men who dare to walk around in public without American flag lapel pins

-Real estate brokers


-Dangerously disgruntled citizens, otherwise known as Mets fans

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Athens Quake
Olympic athletes and fans were shaken by an earthquake in Athens earlier today. Most people were worried by the magnitude 4.5 quake, except for the men's gymnastic judges who incorrectly calculated its magnitude at only 3.5.

Toys "R" Us Decision
Toys "R" Us is thinking about getting out of the toy business. The company's decision hinges on debt restructuring, Christmas sales, and whether they can replace Geoffrey with a cheaper Indian Giraffe.

Bush on Ads
President Bush is finally calling on the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" to stop running an ad questioning John Kerry's service in Vietnam. Bush says the ad is divisive, distracting, and he just hates it when other people steal his ideas.

Ellen as God
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been tapped to play the Lord in a remake of "Oh God." Apparently Hollywood producers believe choosing a lesbian comedian to play God will help them achieve their ultimate goal of angering the last few Evangelical Christians they haven't already offended.

Ellen as God II
Religious groups are already protesting the choice of lesbian Ellen DeGeneres to play God in the "Oh God" remake. But most movie fans are relieved that at least she won't be trying to play someone who's straight.

Arab Protest
A judge has rejected an Arab American group's petition to allow a demonstration in Central Park during the Republican National Convention next week. So, if most of the city's Arab Americans want to congregate in Central Park, they'll just have to show up for work at their hot dog stands like usual.

Monday, August 23, 2004

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new satirical article published in this week's "Enduring Vision." Here's the link: Enduring Vision

U.S. Olympic Medal
American gymnast Paul Hamm says he's willing to share his gold medal with South Korean Yang Tae-Young. Hamm hopes the decision will smooth over the judges' error, and keep the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" from releasing a TV ad saying he didn't really deserve to win.

Scream Stolen
Edvard Munch's masterpiece "The Scream" was stolen from a museum in Oslo Sunday as visitors watched in shock. To sell it, the thieves will have to go to a place where all the potential buyers will have no knowledge that painting is an extremely famous piece of art; but it's not clear if they'll be able to get it on the Home Shopping Network.

Pay Phone Thief
A New York City phone company worker has been charged with stealing more than $100,000 in quarters from pay phones, and depositing the money in several banks. Police say the man was easy to catch because he was the only person at his work with a fancy house, a nice car, and a hernia.

Swift Boat Denial
Despite accusations from the Kerry campaign, the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" strongly denies it's working with the Bush campaign. The veterans do admit they scheduled a series of strategy sessions with Bush at a Texas Air National Guard base... but for some reason the President never showed up.

Geren Released
Most Americans began to celebrate after learning that Shiite insurgents had finally released Micah Geren earlier today. But their moods changed when they found out Geren was born in France, now lives in Greenwich Village, and is a journalist.

Friday, August 20, 2004

WEB ALERT!!! A new story I wrote has been published by The Fake News! Here's the link: TheFakeNews.com

Olympic Winner
16-year old Carly Patterson became only the second American to win the women's all-around gymnastics title after bouncing, contorting, and back-flipping her way to the gold. Patterson can now look forward to parades in her honor, commercial endorsements, and the Democratic Party's nomination for President of the United States.

Abu Ghraib Doctors
A British medical journal accuses U.S. army doctors of aiding the torture of inmates at Abu Ghraib prison by not treating their injuries. But the physicians insist they strictly adhered to American medical ethics, and only ignored the prisoners who didn't have proper health insurance.

Cleric's Goal
Even though he's spent the entire year stirring up trouble and holding democracy hostage, Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr now says he wants to hold office in the nation's government. Oh wait, I'm confusing him with Ralph Nader.

Bad Influence
A new study says young women who date much older men are more likely to smoke, drink and use drugs. That means if they stay away from older men they'll probably be healthier, but they'll kill their chances of ever marrying a U.S. Senator.

No Communion
An 8-year-old New Jersey girl with a digestive disorder has had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because the wafer contained no wheat, violating Roman Catholic doctrine. The Vatican now says it will amend that part of the policy, but still won't validate the girl's communion because her parents are voting for John Kerry.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the Punchlines column of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday

Web Alert!! Whitehouse.org has published my special message from President Bush to the victims of Hurricane Charley. WARNING! Remember the language is "R" rated on this site and Bush fans will be offended. Here's the link: Whitehouse.org

Bush Fans Revenge!! Remember you can always get a few good jabs at the other guys by checking out my Kerry/Edwards jokes on the about.com web service. Here's the link: Kerry Jokes

McGreevey Donor Pleads
Governor McGreevey's biggest campaign contributor pleaded guilty to federal charges yesterday. The news marks a complete reversal for McGreevey; this week his favorite donor embarrassed him, and last week it was his favorite recipient.

Top 5 Things Overheard in the Oprah Jury Room

-Well, we're sending this guy to prison, but we can still cheer him up with one of those great gift baskets!

-45 years in prison will give him plenty of time to keep up with the book club

-What does Dr. Phil look like naked?

-Do we have to sentence this guy to death, or can we just give him a subscription to your magazine?

-I'm sorry, I wasn't listening to any testimony... I was too busy discovering my spirit

Kerry French
One of John Kerry's ex-girlfriends told an interviewer that every time they had sex, he would speak French. And experts say that as president, Kerry will screw the whole country whenever he speaks to the French.

Bush Drugs
President Bush is close to supporting the idea of importing cheaper prescription drugs -- but only if the safety of the drugs could be
assured. Of course, Bush knows a lot about testing the safety of imported drugs; in the 70's he always made his dealer do a few lines first.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Protester Discounts
New York City is offering special deals to protesters planning to come to the city during the Republican Convention. The activists will get cheap accommodations from participating hotels, low-cost meals at special restaurants, and the perfect place to practice heckling and protesting when they get free tickets to see the Mets.

Frey Questioned
Scott Peterson's lawyers are set to cross-examine Amber Frey in court today. They're expected to get answers to the questions most Americans are asking, like why she stayed with Peterson for so long, when she started recording their conversations, and where she got that great new dye job.

Florida Conditions
Tensions are mounting in Florida as provisions are still being rationed in the wake of Hurricane Charley. It's the most severe shortage of key supplies in the state since the day Rush Limbaugh and Noelle Bush walked into the same pharmacy.

SAT Essay
The SAT college entrance exam will now include an essay section. Students who do the best on the segment will add 100 more points to their overall score, average essayists will get 50 more points, and the worst writers will be offered jobs with the Kerry campaign.

American Idol in DC
Thousands of people came to Washington, DC this week to audition for "American Idol," and the contestants found they had a lot in common with Republican members of Congress. They're untalented, undeserving, and basically just working for FOX

Drunken Bear
To lure and catch a wild bear who got loose near a campground, police near Seattle used a trap filled with doughnuts, honey and two open cans of beer. After the bear was subdued, the cops returned the trap to the Bush campaign.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

VERY ODD WEB ALERT!! My humor has now crossed the Atlantic, and into the realm of the surreal!! A popular HUNGARIAN humor site has started translating my jokes and posting them! Here's what it looks like Hungarian Site, my latest joke is the sixth one down!

Hurricane Missing
Reports that more than 700 Floridians are still missing in the wake of Hurricane Charley are being called "doubtful." Usually to lose that many people in Florida, you have to hold an election.

Party School Rankings
The State University of New York at Albany has once again been ranked as the No. 1 party school in America. But the ranking is being questioned by those who know that most students at Albany don't drink and do drugs to party, but to forget.

Troop Realignment
President Bush is planning to withdraw 70,000 U.S. troops from Europe over the next decade. Critics say leaving the continent could leave Europeans vulnerable to nuclear proliferation, economic upheaval, and a Pet Shop Boys comeback tour.

FBI Questioning
Hoping to cut down on subversive activities during the Republican National Convention later this month, the FBI and New York City police are implementing several special measures. But experts say the measures are unnecessary, especially since the cops already took care of Mike Wallace last week.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Bush Reaction
President Bush declared Florida a disaster area this weekend... and after he saw how badly he's doing in all the state polls, he began surveying the hurricane damage.

Gov. Bush Reaction
Florida Governor Jeb Bush says the hurricane made his "worst fears come true." Which means the storm destroyed hundreds of
homes, cut power to several cities, and somehow managed to register a few thousand new voters.

Top 5 Things Distracting the U.S. Olympic Basketball Team

-New teammates need at least two games to get used to Allen Iverson's 573 tattoos

-Takes several hours to find parking spaces in Athens for 12 "pimped-out" Cadillac Escalades every day

-U.S. Players bothered by issues troubling all international athletes, like terrorism, doping, and the Kobe Bryant trial

-Players having hard time learning Greece's complicated paternity laws

-Players having trouble learning to adapt to strange Olympic customs like eating exotic food, hearing foreign languages, and passing the ball

Air Marshals-Convention Rules
The Department of Homeland Security is ordering all federal air marshals to change their habits in order to blend in with all the Republicans flying to New York for the convention. That means all the white marshals will have to wear coats and ties and pretend they're businessmen, and all the black marshals will have to speak incoherently and pretend they're running for the Senate from Illinois.

Iranian Judo Boycott
Iran's top Judo champion may be disqualified from the Olympics after refusing to face an Israeli athlete in a preliminary match. It's the first time a Muslim hasn't really shown up to fight an Israeli since the Six Day War.

Weekend Box Office
The new film "Alien vs. Predator" took the top spot at the box office thanks to confusion about the film's plot. Most fans knew it was a sci-fi horror flick, but thousands of others went to theaters thinking it was a movie about illegal Mexicans fighting Governor Schwarzenegger for a driver's license

Friday, August 13, 2004

Web Alert!! That web site for teen and college girls, Kiwibox.com, is now featuring the "best of" some of my work in EVERY issue! (Gee, I really never figured this group as a target audience, but it's good to have the love). Anyway, here's the latest link Kiwibox

New Jersey Shocker
New Jersey residents are experiencing deep shock and despair now that the entire nation knows about the shameful activities of the state's most prominent resident... but enough about Joe Piscopo's career.

McGreevey Reaction
Many citizens are reacting with disbelief after New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey announced he's resigning because he is a "gay American." His supporters refuse to believe that he's really quitting, his friends refuse to believe that he's really gay, and Conservatives refuse to believe he's really an American.

After yesterday's shocking announcement, Republicans were quick to note the similarities connecting Governor McGreevey to John Kerry. Jim McGreevey has married two women just to cover the fact that he's gay, and John Kerry has married two women just to cover the fact that he's not a good fundraiser.

Gay Marriages Annulled
The California Supreme Court has ruled that the more than 4,000 gay and lesbian marriages allowed by the city of San Francisco are now "void and of no legal effect." That's bad news for most of those couples, but really good news for that chick who married Rosie O'Donnell.

Top 5 Signs Alan Keyes Really Doesn't Understand Illinois Voters that Well

-Actively seeking Steve Bartman's endorsement

-Doesn't understand why people look at him funny when he offers them free "soda" instead of "pop"

-Often refers to Springfield as the home of Abe Lincoln and The Simpsons

-Thinks he'll meet more thousands of potential voters by hanging out at Sox games

-Plans on regularly campaigning in East St. Louis after 7 PM

Thursday, August 12, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday

Lottery Winner
The British government is looking into changing its laws after a convicted rapist won a $12 million national lottery jackpot. In America we already bar known criminals from winning the lottery, but we still haven't been able to stop them from getting campaign contributions.

Gay Marriage
The California Supreme Court is now reviewing San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's decision to grant marriage licenses to gay couples earlier this year. The justices are expected to rule against Newsom for violating state law, ignoring the court's authority, and allowing Rosie O'Donnell to get back on TV.

More Saudi Oil
The Saudi royal family now says it will increase oil production. The increase will stay in effect until shortages are eased, prices fall, and the Bush Administration gives them a nicer suite in the White House.

Drug Poll
A new poll shows elderly Americans would prefer to get cheaper drugs from Canada and Europe. But the poll also shows that younger Americans and college students still prefer getting their drugs from Mexico and Colombia.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Mike Wallace Arrest
60 Minutes anchor Mike Wallace was roughed up, handcuffed, and whisked away by parking cops last night in Manhattan -- proving once again just how far the city is willing to go to make sure the streets are safe for Republicans before their convention starts later this month.

Powell No-Show
Colin Powell will not be attending the Republican National Convention later this month in New York City. The decision is leaving most experts confused, since the Secretary of State usually joins President Bush whenever he visits a foreign country.

Fox-Williams Divorce
Actress Vanessa Williams and husband Rick Fox have filed for divorce. The couple isn't fighting over the house or custody of the kids, but both are threatening a nasty fight over who has to keep all the cheap crap they get from Radio Shack.

Accidents Decline
The government says the number of deadly drunk-driving accidents dropped considerably last year. That's because of seat belts, better law enforcement tactics, and the fact that one gallon of gas now costs more than a six-pack.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Al Qaeda in Vegas
New reports say al Qaeda operatives staked out and plotted to attack sites in Las Vegas in 2002. But after a few days there, the terrorists realized we were doing a much better job of destroying ourselves all on our own.

Top 5 Reasons Al Qaeda is Successfully Recruiting New Members

-Millions of Arabs now want revenge for Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, and "Gigli"

-Free trips to New York!

-Guaranteed admission to the Madrassah of their choice

-Really good chance their jobs won't be outsourced to India

-Health plan

GOP Confab
GOP leaders say the Republican National Convention will be highlighted each night by elaborate musical numbers staged by each and every one of the artists who support President Bush. But it's not clear if the Oak Ridge Boys are ready to take on such a grueling schedule alone.

CIA Pick
President Bush has picked Florida Congressman Porter Goss to head the CIA. Experts say he's the perfect choice to lead the agency since as a pro-Bush Florida Republican, Goss obviously knows a lot about intimidation, covert operations, and political assassination.

Mister Softee Plot
New reports show that al Qaeda may be planning to use Mister Softee ice cream trucks for terrorist attacks in New York. But if blowing up those trucks will finally stop that annoying jingle they always play, most New Yorkers are willing to let it go.

Stem Cell Attack
First Lady Laura Bush attacked people supporting more stem cell research, accusing them of giving people false hope -- kind of like when her husband tells everyone the economy is getting better.

Subway Attack
A New York City token clerk is accused of beating a female rider after she insulted him at a station in the Bronx. New Yorkers are shocked by the news, since it's the first time a token clerk actually heard something a rider had to say.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Web Alert!! Two of my new articles have been published on the Enduring Vision website since last week. Here are the links:
Bush's Frat Buddies

Pope Joins Kaballah Center

General PR Alert! Kiwibox.com. the website for teen girls that interviewed me late last month now has pictures and a comment box to go along with the article. Here's the link:
Kiwibox Interview

Top 5 Unique Things About Donald Trump's New Clothing Line for Men

-Super gut-busting "man girdle" comes with every purchase

-Every suit comes with a shedding rat and a bottle of vitalis for "hair emergencies"

-All jackets guaranteed to repel Omarosa from at least 500 yards away

-Extra crotch padding standard for that "executive" look

-Pants won't unzip fully until all pre-nup papers are signed

Keyes for Senate
Even though he's running for the senate from Illinois, Maryland resident Alan Keyes insists he's nothing like Hillary Clinton. Experts say that's true because Keyes is conservative, a seasoned campaigner, and doesn't have a chance in Hell.

Gorilla Dentist
Koko the gorilla, who can speak using American Sign Language, told her handlers that she was having a toothache and asked to see a dentist last week. Now it's hoped that other creatures will learn how to ask for dental care, like dogs, cats, and English people.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in today's Punchlines column in Newsday. Here's the link:

Edwards Anniversary
As they do every year, Mr. and Mrs. John Edwards celebrated their wedding anniversary at Wendy's this week. It's not because they can't afford better; it's just that they wanted to recruit a few more plaintiffs for a big obesity lawsuit.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Statue of Liberty Reopens
Hundreds of visitors flocked to the Statue of Liberty as it was open to the public for the first time since 9/11. That's the most people who will pay to get inside a woman in New York City until the Republican National Convention comes to town later this month.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Bush 9/11 Report
Critics say President Bush took too long to accept the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission's report. But experts say Bush is already doing something to make America safer than anything suggested in that report; he's losing the election.