Al Qaeda in Vegas
New reports say al Qaeda operatives staked out and plotted to attack sites in Las Vegas in 2002. But after a few days there, the terrorists realized we were doing a much better job of destroying ourselves all on our own.

Top 5 Reasons Al Qaeda is Successfully Recruiting New Members

-Millions of Arabs now want revenge for Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, and "Gigli"

-Free trips to New York!

-Guaranteed admission to the Madrassah of their choice

-Really good chance their jobs won't be outsourced to India

-Health plan

GOP Confab
GOP leaders say the Republican National Convention will be highlighted each night by elaborate musical numbers staged by each and every one of the artists who support President Bush. But it's not clear if the Oak Ridge Boys are ready to take on such a grueling schedule alone.

CIA Pick
President Bush has picked Florida Congressman Porter Goss to head the CIA. Experts say he's the perfect choice to lead the agency since as a pro-Bush Florida Republican, Goss obviously knows a lot about intimidation, covert operations, and political assassination.

Mister Softee Plot
New reports show that al Qaeda may be planning to use Mister Softee ice cream trucks for terrorist attacks in New York. But if blowing up those trucks will finally stop that annoying jingle they always play, most New Yorkers are willing to let it go.

Stem Cell Attack
First Lady Laura Bush attacked people supporting more stem cell research, accusing them of giving people false hope -- kind of like when her husband tells everyone the economy is getting better.

Subway Attack
A New York City token clerk is accused of beating a female rider after she insulted him at a station in the Bronx. New Yorkers are shocked by the news, since it's the first time a token clerk actually heard something a rider had to say.