Manchurian Candidate
There are mixed reviews for the new version of "The Manchurian Candidate," which tells the story of a corporation that brain washes and controls the U.S. Vice President. Average movie fans say it's great, critics say it's a little forced, and Halliburton execs say, "Hey! That's our idea!"

Top 5 Reasons Tom Ridge will Quit as Homeland Security Czar after the Election

-Tired of having to explain to President Bush that Massachusetts isn't really a terrorist country

-Fighting terror in the U.S. doesn't pay the bills; the real money is in PRETENDING to fight terror in Saudi Arabis

-Needs to get back to his real job as the face on the logo for Bob's Big Boy

-His shares in all the duct tape companies are about as high as they can go

-Once Bush is re-elected, his "anti-terror" fighting duties will be done!

Gas Thief
A judge ordered a Maryland woman caught stealing gas to wear a humiliating sign in front of the station for two hours. The sign said: "Before gas went to $2.50 a gallon, I used to be middle class."