Friday, July 30, 2004

Kerry's Speech
Even the Bush Administration was stirred by John Kerry's decision to begin last night's speech by saying he was "reporting for duty"... so they're sending him to Fallujah.

On-Air Gaffe
After accidentally broadcasting another on-air obscenity last night, CNN is now promising to be more careful at the GOP convention next month... so it won't broadcast Dick Cheney's speech at all.

New Yankee Stadium
The Yankees say they plan to spend $700 million on a new structure right next to the current Yankee Stadium. But it's not clear whether it'll be a new stadium or a private clubhouse for Randy Johnson.

Powell's Trip
Secretary of State Colin Powell promised Iraqi leaders today that the United States will speed up spending to create more jobs in Baghdad. So corporations can now look forward to a big new tax cut for outsourcing American jobs to Iraq.

Old Frat Buddies to Star in Emotional Intro to Bush at GOP Convention

"He always protected us... and the beer," say W's college "brothers"

(Washington, DC) Hoping to counter the Democrats' decision to have John Kerry's swift boat-mates from Vietnam introduce him at the convention, the Republicans have decided to get several of President Bush's fraternity brothers from Yale to testify about his commitment to them in college.

"George Bush stood up for us every time," said Archibald Vincent Dugan III, Skull and Bones '69. "He was a year older than I, and I couldn't help but look up to him junior year when he was always willing to lend me his I.D. for beer runs," he added while choking back tears.

Convention organizers believe trotting out Bush's old buddies will reverse the perception that the president was just a party animal as a youth.

"The American people need to know that George W. Bush is no flip flopper, from offering to carry a keg across campus 37 years ago to getting an upper class tax cut enacted today, the president has looked out for these guys," said RNC chairman Ed Gillespie.

And Bush's old friends say he was just as steady in pursuit of the enemy as John Kerry was in Vietnam.

"We were doing a nighttime panty raid, and the dorm proctor was chasing us full speed," said Abercrombie G. Willis IV, Yale '68, "just when I had given up, here comes George, pulling me out of a third story window, getting me onto the roof and even having the time to T-P the oak tree out front of the Beta house on the dead run back to our room," added Willis.

President Bush himself talked emotionally about his college counterparts at a rally in Missouri today.

"When I was out drinking with my friends, no one cared where the other guy came from. It didn't matter if he grew up in an 500-room mansion in New England or a 50,000 acre ranch in Texas. It didn't matter if his dad had $100 million or $500 million. And when we stole that stuff from the crew team and took a booze cruise up the Hudson River during spring break in '67, we were all LITERALLY in the same boat."

Perhaps the most gut wrenching testimonial will come from Roger Thornhill, who graduated with Bush in 1968.

"I had had a few too many and was really thinking about asking that cute Jewish girl from Wellesley for a date," Thornhill remembers, "I intend to tell the American people how George had the presence of mind to remind me what I was doing and snap me out of it. Who knows where that could have led if it hadn't been for that warning? Mummy would have fainted and Daddy probably would have yanked my trust fund faster than you can say 'Hava Negillah."

Democrats are understandably worried about how the powerful convention moment could affect the polls.

"This is like a perfect storm for us," said Kerry strategist Mark Mehlman, "by bringing out his old drinking buddies, Bush reassures his upper class base and appeals to the average Schlitz-drinker with a pickup trunk at the same time! We really can't counter that."

Analysts also believe the event could appeal to voters in the key swing states.

"The big swing states this year are Ohio, Michigan, and Florida," said pollster James Zogby, "and God knows there isn't much else to do in those states than drink and puke. I wouldn't underestimate the power a scene like that could have."


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