Chicken Abuse
Eleven workers from a poultry processing plant have been fired following the release of a video showing them kicking and stomping live chickens. The employees plan to appeal, but meanwhile they're getting temporary work at the Abu Ghraib Prison.

Marines Redeployed
The 2,000 marines sent to Afghanistan to secure successful elections there are now leaving that country. That's because the Bush Administration now needs them to secure successful elections in Florida.

Be More than You Can Be
Women serving in the U.S. military can now get breast enhancement surgery for free. It's all part of the Pentagon's plan to entice young male recruits with a, "Join the Army; and All Your Co-Workers Will Have Big Boobs," ad campaign.

Be More than You Can Be II
The U.S. Military is now offering all personnel free plastic surgeries, including breast enhancements. But experts say nothing will change in the armed forces until surgeons can figure out how to
give the top brass at the Pentagon a brain enhancement.


Democratic Convention Hookers to Undergo Unprecedented Security Checks

"The Safety of Our Political Process is at Stake," say Officials


(Boston, MA) Prostitutes expecting to service the thousands of Democratic candidates and delegates at next week's national convention are undergoing extensive background and physical checks before being cleared for duty.

"In this time of al Qaeda terror, the delegates must be protected, so we have to take every precaution to ensure all these whores are safe... and we have to check the prostitutes too, " said Boston police commissioner Kathleen O'Toole.

Exactly what kinds of checks the prostitutes are undergoing is not being released by city officials, but individual officers are leaking some of the details.

"Well, first we gotta see that they know what they're doing," said one top-ranking officer who did not want to be identified, "a couple of them just laid there like cold fish, so we deported them right away. Then there were the ones who seemed to actually enjoy it, so we nixed them too 'cause we thought that was suspicious. And of course we got the full body cavity search, which I must say, these ladies didn't protest as much as usual suspects. But a lot of our investigations are taking more time than usual, and that's not including all the time we waste answering Bill Clinton's annoying offers to help," he added.

Other Democratic Party leaders endorsed the process.

"We Democrats are tired of being labeled as 'weak on terror,' by the Republicans," said leading Democratic organizer Vernon Jordan, "this process ensures the nation that from the stateroom to the bedroom, liberals are just as serious about protecting this country as anybody."

In an unusual act of bi-partisanship, Republican leaders are praising the effort.

"Well, we're glad the Democrats are finally getting serious about the war on terror," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, "thanks to their hard work, the whores we'll want to check out in New York won't be able to complain as much. Plus, with tons of cleared prostitutes available by convention time, President Bush won't need to parade Jenna and Barbara in front of all the horny young delegates like he's been doing on the campaign trail," he added.

The Democratic Convention begins here on Monday, the Republicans convene in New York City at the end of August.