Ditka Declines
Mike Ditka has decided not to run for the U.S. Senate. He realized that if he wanted to hang out with a bunch of overpaid idiots, he could just go back to coaching the Bears.

Whale Sighting
There's big excitement in Florida today as marine biologists believe a large whale is headed for the Miami Beach area... but enough about the Shaq trade.

Coke Contest
Coca Cola has a new contest that will use GPS satellite technology to instantly find the person buying the winning can, no matter where he or she is in the world. But Pentagon officials are worried Coke will end up finding Osama bin Laden before they do.

Whoopi Whupped
Slimfast has dropped Whoopi Goldberg as its spokesperson after she made several obscene jokes about Republicans at a Kerry fundraiser. Of course, since Slimfast is a product that promises big results without really working hard, the company should have hired President Bush for that job in the first place.

Kerry Fundraiser Fight
The Bush team is angrily demanding that Democrats hand over a videotape of a Kerry fundraiser where several Hollywood stars used off-color language to viciously bash the President. But the Kerry campaign says if the White House wants footage of a foul-mouthed celebrity who makes the President look bad, all they have to do is tape the "Dennis Miller Show."

Kerry Fundraiser Fight II
The Bush team is angrily demanding that Democrats hand over a videotape of a Kerry fundraiser where several Hollywood stars used off-color language to viciously bash the President. But the Kerry campaign says if the White House wants evidence of a well-known figure with a foul mouth who makes the President look bad, all they have to do is plant a bug in Dick Cheney's Office.

Identity Theft Bill
President Bush will sign a bill banning identity theft later today. But experts aren't sure how effective the new law will be considering it's being backed by a man who's been impersonating a leader for the last 3 1/2 years.

Top 5 Reasons Jenna and Barbara Bush are Now on the Campaign Trail with Dad

-Campaign fundraisers usually have open bars

-Helps hide the fact even they can't get a real job in this economy

-Can learn to make their own booze when visiting all those Red States

-Traveling from state to state every day is the only way to avoid all those annoying college mailings asking for alumni donations

-As long as they're around, at least two people on the campaign staff will be able to read