NEWSDAY ALERT!!!! Two of my jokes are in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Saddam Arraigned
Now that the world has seen Saddam Hussein again, there are many questions to be answered. Arabs want to know if the trial will be fair, Europeans want to know if the death penalty will be carried out, and all the American journalists are just dying to know how he lost all that weight!

Fake Viagra
Investigators have found several pharmacies carrying counterfeit Viagra that apparently had no affect on any of its users. There is no real health risk, but if the problem becomes more widespread it could shut down Congress for weeks.


SPECIAL BREAKING NEWS!!!! FULL TRANSCRIPT OF SADDAM'S ARRAIGNMENT

JUDGE: Please identify yourself.

SADDAM: I am Saddam Hussein, the President of Iraq. Who are you?

JUDGE: I am the investigating judge of the Central Court of Iraq

SADDAM: What law formed this court? Who appointed you?

JUDGE: Um... well, actually I'm really just a cab driver. The Americans asked me to preside over this thing because they found me on my break watching back-to-back episodes of "Law on Order" on TBS at the satellite TV cafe.

SADDAM: That show sucks.

JUDGE: Oh come on! It's not bad, I'll admit it's a little formulaic. You know, it's always the second guy the cops question who ends up being the one who did it. But all those Assistant D.A.'s on the show usually have nice legs.

SADDAM: Can I continue?

JUDGE: Sure, I'm sorry go ahead.

SADDAM: I am still the president of Iraq, the coalition forces had no right to remove me from power. This court has no authority over me. I was duly elected.

JUDGE: Well, that's true, even I voted for you. I really liked those bumper stickers your guys gave out, I used them as blinds after the first bombings ruined my window treatments last year.

SADDAM: That's very innovative.

JUDGE: Anyway, just answer the charges now, then you'll get a lawyer.

SADDAM: Is that Geragos guy available?

JUDGE: I think he's busy with the Scott Peterson case now. That guy is like so guilty, but I'm not sure they're going to get him.

SADDAM: He's not Jewish is he?

JUDGE: Who, Geragos or Peterson?

SADDAM: Geragos.

JUDGE: I don't think so. Anyway, you should just answer these charges now. I'm just investigating you. This is an interrogation.

SADDAM: Well this is some investigation you got going here, let me tell you. And if this is an interrogation, where are all the dogs and that American army chick who looks like Bobby Brady after they gave him that bad blonde dye job?

JUDGE: They sent her home, she's getting court martialed.

SADDAM: That's a tough break. She wasn't so bad.

JUDGE: Anyway... you're going to get a lawyer, and you'll have the right to argue the evidence.

SADDAM: Can you lend me a quarter to use the phone to call my lawyers?

JUDGE: No, the phones haven't been working since last year, the Americans say they're working on it.

SADDAM: Bastards! Okay, what about a cell phone? You cabbies are always on one of those.

JUDGE: Sorry, my batteries are low, besides I can't get a signal! Just sign these papers and then you're dismissed

SADDAM: Oh no, I'm not signing anything. Last time I did that, someone changed my long distance service to IDT or some crappy company I never heard of.

JUDGE: Yeah, that's a bummer. But just sign you are being so difficult.

SADDAM: I know you are, but what am I?

JUDGE: What?

SADDAM: I know you are, but what am I?

JUDGE: You're dismissed