Expos to D.C.?
Major League Baseball's relocation committee is reportedly close to moving the hapless Montreal Expos to Washington, D.C. The committee noted that large groups of really inept and overpaid men usually feel most comfortable working somewhere near the White House.

Boy Scout Fire
The federal government is suing the Boy Scouts of America for $14 million to recover damages from a forest fire that began at a scout camp. The Boy Scouts are agonizing over the suit, especially since the only way they're going to get that kind of money is to agree to have their next overnight campout at the Neverland Ranch.

Kerry College Plan
John Kerry is pledging to help more low-income and minority students graduate college. He doesn't really have a new scholarship plan for the kids, he's just going to make sure they get a better chance to finish school by not getting killed in Iraq.

Cheney at the Yankee Game
Vice President Dick Cheney joined former Mayor Rudy Giuliani at last night's game at Yankee Stadium. Cheney really blended in with the crowd; wearing a Yankees cap, eating peanuts, and yelling at all the Red Sox to "F**k off."

Top Reasons the Pentagon is Recalling 5,600 Recently Discharged Army Reservists to Iraq

-Nothing like another 5,600 U.S. troops to show the world just how much the new Iraqi government is in charge

-Well, that's 5,600 more guys off the unemployment rolls

-It's really hard to teach the new kids how to strip down prisoners and take pictures

-Keeps them from doing something dangerous while they're still in the states, like voting

-All the potential new recruits are on to them already