Kerry's Plan
In a new campaign ad, John Kerry says he has a plan to eliminate most of the paperwork required for medical care while cutting costs at the same time. He's starting by giving himself all his own Botox injections from now on.

Fahrenheit 9/11 Rating
The Motion Picture Association of America has rejected Michael Moore's appeal to lower the "R" rating for his new film, Fahrenheit 9/11. The MPAA insists it's not political censorship; it's just that a two-hour movie filled with President Bush's speeches is likely to leave most children traumatized for life.

Saddam's Message
Saddam Hussein was allowed to send a very brief message to his family this week from his secret prison cell. Here is the letter and the real meaning of each sentence based on information from decoding experts:

"In the name of God the Merciful"
(Get me a good Jewish lawyer, now!)

"To my small family and my big family, salaam aleikum"
(You don't call, you don't write... this is how you treat me?)

“My spirit and my morale, they are high, thanks to greatness of God,”
(I just saw President Bush's approval ratings)

“And say hello to everyone.”
(See you in Syria next summer!)


Gambino Family Rejects United Airlines' Loan Request

"Whatta ya think we're stupid?" say local goons

(Paramus, New Jersey) In a stunning blow to the company's hopes to survive, the Gambino crime family has turned down United Airline's request for an $11 billion loan.

"We checked 'em out, and they don't look too good, you know," said Arnold "Zeke" Squitierri from a quiet social club downtown, "sure they got a lot of planes, but even if we could haul them back to our warehouse in Jersey City, it'd be pretty hard to fence that stuff on the street," he added.

The surprising decision to go to known loan-sharks came after the government rejected UAL's second request for $11.6 billion in loans and loan guarantees last week.

"Well, we knew it was a long shot," said UAL CEO Glenn Tilton, "but I must say the gentlemen of the Cosa Nostra treated us with the utmost respect and honesty. And there was plenty of fresh fruit and wine for everyone during our meeting. All in all, a much better experience than one of those Senate hearings."

Other mobsters were aghast that the Gambinos were even considering making such a loan.

"Sure, we're killers, pimps, and drug dealers," said Colombo kingpin Victor Orena, "but come on, helping the airlines? Sheesh, that's pretty bad stuff."

The latest rejection leaves the bankrupt airline in dire straits.

"Well, I guess I could ask my father-in-law for some more money," said Tilton, "but they way he lords it over me is pretty hard to take... I was really happier taking my chances with the mob."