Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Atkins Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster
"Me No Know What to Do," Moans Furry Snack-Lover

(New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.

"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.

Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.

"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.

Van Buren says information Cookie Monster's close friends are giving the police is proving to be of a "mixed nature."

"I saw four, four attackers, ah ah ah," said The Count.

"I think they had a red car, but I'm not so good with my colors," added Grover.

"Elmo loves the sun!" Exclaimed Elmo for no apparent reason.

Experts say Cookie Monster has long been a target for diet groups, but the Atkins cabal is particularly intent on using violence to get what they want.

"You think KFC, TGI Fridays, and all those packaged snack people just started offering low carb items because we asked nicely?" asked on Atkins terror cell leader who did not want to be identified. "We had to beat a lot of CEO's to a bloody pulp before they finally gave in," she added.


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