SPECIAL ALERT!! A special, never-before published piece I wrote about the "Stop Loss" military order is now on the satirical web site Whitehouse.org! Warning! This site is definitely R-rated in its language, (but no dirty pictures), and very anti-Bush, so click with caution. WhiteHouse.org

Reagan Funeral Arrangements
President Reagan's coffin will be taken by horse-drawn caisson to the Capitol rotunda today. But members of the honor guard are hitting a snag in their preparations because they can't figure out how to tell if all the horses really are Republicans.

Passion Short-Changed
Mel Gibson's film company is suing the movie theater chain Regal Entertainment, claiming it shortchanged the company on revenues from "The Passion of the Christ." Gibson says he's "mystified" by Regal's conduct, but only because it's not owned by Jews.

Money & Sex
Contrary to popular belief, a new study shows that rich people are NOT any more likely to have more sex or more sexual partners. The news is having a stunning effect across the country; all trading on the New York Stock Exchange has been halted, furriers and jewelers are declaring bankruptcy, and Donald Trump now says his entire life is "meaningless."

Money & Sex II
Top five things we now know thanks to the new study that says there's no connection between sex and money:

-Way too many free Viagra samples out there right now

-Jack Welch, Dennis Kozlowski, and Patrick Ewing all get women because they really are great-looking

-Breast implants really are getting cheaper!

-There isn't anything else to do at the trailer park

-I guess mom really did get that fur coat because of her pot roast after all