Social Security Future
The government now says the Social Security trust fund should stay solvent longer than previously thought. That's because with prescription drug costs rising so fast, most elderly Americans will probably die before they collect most of their benefits.

Social Security Future II (alternate punch line)
The government now says the Social Security trust fund should stay solvent longer than previously thought. That's because most employees of American companies now actually live in India, so they're not eligible to collect any benefits.

P. Diddy Sick
Hip-hop music impresario and new Broadway actor Sean "P. Diddy" Combs was forced to cancel Saturday's matinee performance of "A Raisin in the Sun" because of a stomach ailment. The sickness is eerily similar to the one everyone in the audience suffers from soon after he takes the stage during every other performance.

Bishops Conference
More than 250 of America's Roman Catholic bishops opened a private retreat this week at a resort in Colorado. The clergymen chose the remote location because it will foster more spiritual reflection, encourage more open debate, and the Boy Scout sleep-away camp is about a half mile away.

Moore R-rating
Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is leading a movement to get the rating on Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911" lowered from "R" to "PG-13." Because Democrats want people who can't even vote to hate Bush too.