(The following are the brief comments made by President Bush at the White House today at the official unveiling of the portraits of President William Jefferson Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton):

The President: "Alright, let's get this over with. I have another election to steal, and Bill, I bet you have someone waiting for you in suite 102 at the Willard, right?

It's good to see so many members of the Clinton and Rodham families here at the White House. I want to thank the hard-working men and women of our country's parole and furlough boards who have made that possible.

And I'm happy to see Chelsea joining her parents this afternoon. Chelsea, I hope it's okay that Jenna and Barbara are interviewing for your job at McKinsey today. To keep their unemployed asses out of the Red Room liquor cabinet, I went ahead and called your bosses and told them they might be audited if they didn't think of replacing employees like you who keep running off to Washington every time someone decides to throw some bullshit honor their parents' way.

President Clinton, for eight years you filled this house with energy, joy, and your demon seed. I know it seemed like a lot longer to most of us, especially to those on the staff who had to give the Oval Office a good scrubbing. But you did a good job of helping my Wall Street and Enron friends gather up enough cash to bankroll my campaign, so I guess you deserve some thanks.

Now I know they still have the curtains over these pictures, but I want to tell all you all this Negro drawer Simmie Knox did a pretty good job. Bill, he's really worked hard to preserve the pre-cyphaloid appearance of your face. And I appreciate how he cropped out the back of Monica's head from the lower front of your torso. Future White House visitors will appreciate that too.

And Hillary, even though Laura says Picasso would have been a better choice to paint you because you have more like three ass cheeks than two, I think he's done pretty good by you too.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got "Garfield, The Movie" sitting on pause on the bedroom VCR.

Goodbye."