BREAKING NEWS: High Court Decision
Ruling on a case involving prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, the Supreme Court has just narrowly decided that President Bush does have the right to jail and silence American citizens without charges or trial if they pose a threat to national security. The administration is reacting quickly by arresting John Kerry.

Early Handover
The U.S. has handed sovereignty over to the new Iraqi government two days earlier than expected in an effort to surprise insurgents and confuse its critics. By the same reasoning, the Bush administration is now trying to hold U.S. elections sometime in late October.

Early Handover II
By handing over sovereignty to the Iraqi government two days earlier than expected, the Bush administration is simply following through with many of its most important policy goals, including creating a democratic government, getting a jump on terrorists, and screwing with Peter Jennings' travel plans.

Early Handover III
Reacting to the news, President Bush told guests at the NATO summit that the early handover means, "the Iraqi people have their country back." Unfortunately, Americans hoping to get their country back will still have to wait until January.

Concorde on Display
The Concorde supersonic jet is now on public display in a New York museum. Usually, when Americans want to see a place where only the super-rich are welcomed as guests, they have to take the White House tour.