Friday, July 16, 2004

Martha Stewart Sentence
In addition to 5 months in prison, a federal judge sentenced Martha Stewart to an additional 5 months of supervised home confinement. That part of the sentence was immediately appealed as cruel and unusual by the person assigned to supervise her.

Martha Sentence II
After sentencing, Stewart asked Americans to show their support for her by subscribing to her magazine and getting their friends to buy her products. Moments later, recently-sentenced crack dealer "Furious Freddy" Franklin exhorted his supporters to keep buying his products and not go to, "those thugs up on 177th Street."

Cheney Sticking Around
Despite pressure to quit, Dick Cheney is insisting on remaining Vice President. That's because without free government health care, even he couldn't afford all his heart medications.

New Jersey Scandal
A Wealthy Democratic donor in New Jersey has been charged with using a prostitute to blackmail two federal witnesses.

Top 5 Things that Would Have Been More Persuasive than a Hooker for Two New Jersey Residents:

  • Bon Jovi box set
  • 1982 Camaro IROC-Z
  • Lifetime parking pass at the Hoboken PATH station
  • 3 pairs of acid wash jeans
  • Gas mask


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