NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday

WEB ALERT!! I have a new piece on the Whitehouse.org satirical web site. Again I WARN you, the language is R-rated on this site. Here's the link: Whitehouse.org

Top 5 Things John Kerry Must do in Tonight's Speech to Win Voters

-Pronounce "nuclear" correctly every single time

-Get to the podium safely without choking on a pretzel or falling off a bicycle

-Pull out driver's license, social security card, anything that proves he's not George Bush

-Offer free Botox samples to all undecided women voters

-Just get Bill Clinton to read the speech for him

Edwards Speech
Last night Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards promised to get all Americans a chance at higher education... which could only mean he plans on suing every college in the country.

National Guard in the City
The National Guard has been put on alert for possible deployment during the Republican National Convention next month in Manhattan. The troops will be assigned the difficult task of shielding the delegates from chemical, biological and radiological weapons... and after they shut down all the hot dog stands, they'll go after the terrorists.

Cable Battle
Thanks to another rate dispute, New York Mets games may be pulled off millions of cable stations across the city as early as today. Some fans are calling the possible blackout an outrage, but experts believe most will see it as a time of healing.

American Income
The Internal Revenue Service says for the first time since World War II, the average American's income has fallen for two consecutive years. Most economists believe the trend is disturbing, but the IRS calls it a "job well done."