Athens Quake
Olympic athletes and fans were shaken by an earthquake in Athens earlier today. Most people were worried by the magnitude 4.5 quake, except for the men's gymnastic judges who incorrectly calculated its magnitude at only 3.5.

Toys "R" Us Decision
Toys "R" Us is thinking about getting out of the toy business. The company's decision hinges on debt restructuring, Christmas sales, and whether they can replace Geoffrey with a cheaper Indian Giraffe.

Bush on Ads
President Bush is finally calling on the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" to stop running an ad questioning John Kerry's service in Vietnam. Bush says the ad is divisive, distracting, and he just hates it when other people steal his ideas.

Ellen as God
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been tapped to play the Lord in a remake of "Oh God." Apparently Hollywood producers believe choosing a lesbian comedian to play God will help them achieve their ultimate goal of angering the last few Evangelical Christians they haven't already offended.

Ellen as God II
Religious groups are already protesting the choice of lesbian Ellen DeGeneres to play God in the "Oh God" remake. But most movie fans are relieved that at least she won't be trying to play someone who's straight.

Arab Protest
A judge has rejected an Arab American group's petition to allow a demonstration in Central Park during the Republican National Convention next week. So, if most of the city's Arab Americans want to congregate in Central Park, they'll just have to show up for work at their hot dog stands like usual.