WEB ALERT!!! A new story I wrote has been published by The Fake News! Here's the link: TheFakeNews.com

Olympic Winner
16-year old Carly Patterson became only the second American to win the women's all-around gymnastics title after bouncing, contorting, and back-flipping her way to the gold. Patterson can now look forward to parades in her honor, commercial endorsements, and the Democratic Party's nomination for President of the United States.

Abu Ghraib Doctors
A British medical journal accuses U.S. army doctors of aiding the torture of inmates at Abu Ghraib prison by not treating their injuries. But the physicians insist they strictly adhered to American medical ethics, and only ignored the prisoners who didn't have proper health insurance.

Cleric's Goal
Even though he's spent the entire year stirring up trouble and holding democracy hostage, Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr now says he wants to hold office in the nation's government. Oh wait, I'm confusing him with Ralph Nader.

Bad Influence
A new study says young women who date much older men are more likely to smoke, drink and use drugs. That means if they stay away from older men they'll probably be healthier, but they'll kill their chances of ever marrying a U.S. Senator.

No Communion
An 8-year-old New Jersey girl with a digestive disorder has had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because the wafer contained no wheat, violating Roman Catholic doctrine. The Vatican now says it will amend that part of the policy, but still won't validate the girl's communion because her parents are voting for John Kerry.