NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm in a special Republican Convention edition of the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Bush Admission
President Bush now says it's not likely we'll win the war on terror. Not because Americans don't have the resolve, it's just that the Bush team can't find any proof that Osama bin Laden lied about his service in Vietnam

Laura Changes Gears
First Lady Laura Bush says she now likes politics, and enjoys talking about all her husband's accomplishments as President. Well, at least her new hobby isn't too time-consuming.

Giuliani Praises Bush
Speaking at the Republican National Convention last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani praised President Bush and specifically cited his "leadership" during 9/11. Of course, the key part of that leadership was doing everything Giuliani told him to.

Giuliani Bashes Kerry
During his speech at the Republican National Convention last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said John Kerry can't lead the war on terror because he has "no vision." Of course most voters prefer that to President Bush, who led us into war because he thinks he had a vision.

McCain's Speech
Senator John McCain told Republican delegates last night that the decision to invade Iraq was right, despite what any "disingenuous filmmaker says." But it wasn't clear if McCain meant Michael Moore, or the guy who produced the TV ads for the "Swift Boat Veterans."

New Republican Supporter
Boxing promoter Don King is supporting President Bush and the Republicans. The GOP believes King can help them with boxing fans, African-Americans, and show them how to fix another election in Florida.

Protest Demands
A strange assortment of protesters continues to harass Republican delegates in New York. Peace activists want them to stop supporting the war in Iraq, environmentalists want them to change the party's energy policy, and the anarchists want them to work harder to get President Bush re-elected.