Kerry Admission
John Kerry says the thing that makes him most uncomfortable about running for president is all the people who want to introduce themselves to him in the men's room. But he admitted that meeting admirers in public restrooms is probably much more of a problem
for Governor Jim McGreevey.

Cheney on Gay Marriage
The Bush campaign may be softening on the gay rights issue after Vice President Dick Cheney appeared to reverse himself yesterday and seemed to support gay marriage. But it's not clear if that reversal will mean as much to homosexual activists as the tremendous work Donald Rumsfeld and the Abu Ghraib commanders have done to further the cause of gay porn on the Internet.

GOP Warnings
Homeland Security officials will be advising people attending the Republican National Convention about all the terror threats and what could happen in the event of an attack. But they admit it will be hard to frighten the delegates after they hear four nights worth of speeches about how bad the country will get if John Kerry wins.

Dave Matthews Waste
The state of Illinois is suing the Dave Matthews Band for allegedly dumping 800 pounds of human waste from its tour bus into the Chicago River. But experts say the state would have a stronger case if it also sued the band for the excrement it dumps on hundreds of Illinois record stores every time they release a new CD.

Top 5 Dangerous Things Republican Delegates Should Look Out for While They're in New York

-Subversive gatherings of gay activists, otherwise known as "Broadway musicals"

-Men who dare to walk around in public without American flag lapel pins

-Real estate brokers

-Hillary

-Dangerously disgruntled citizens, otherwise known as Mets fans