NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have not one, but TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

No Park Protest
A judge has barred anti-Bush protesters from using Central Park for a big rally this Sunday. This means thousands of protesters will be marching without knowing where they'll end up, or if they'll be safe... so at least they'll finally learn what it's like to be a soldier in Iraq.

Krispy Kreme Results
Doughnut chain Krispy Kreme has announced a surprising drop in profits and a gloomier outlook for future growth. That's bad news for Krispy Kreme employees, investors, and the hundreds of lawyers planning to sue the company in obesity lawsuits.

Nixing Vioxx?
Health insurance companies may no longer provide customers with the anti-arthritis medication Vioxx, because studies show it can cause heart disease in elderly patients. But experts say the heart attacks only occur when seniors see how much the drug costs.

Corporate Screening
In response to the Enron and WorldCom scandals, more companies are using rigorous investigations to weed out potential liars, thieves and cheaters. Anyone found to have those characteristics won't be hired by the big companies, but they will be immediately referred to the Bush and Kerry campaigns.

Marriage Gap
A new poll shows that unmarried women are a lot more likely to vote for Democrats. That's because finding the right single woman is more important politically to Democratic candidates... just ask John Kerry and Jim McGreevey.

Single Mom Vote
A new poll shows unmarried women with children are much more likely to vote for Democrats. That's because they're much more likely to get child support if their kids' fathers have jobs.