Saturday, October 31, 2009

Election Day
All three of the candidates President Obama campaigned for this fall could go down to defeat today... proving once again that the constitutional right to vote is inherently racist.

Stimulus Job Inflation
A USA Today report finds that the White House is claiming thousands of stimulus jobs were created for just $1,500 per job. Either the government is hiring some of Eliot Spitzer's hookers by the hour, or something is wrong.

College Salaries
23 U.S. college presidents now make more than $1 million per year. Considering the numbers of students they get to pay $40k per year in tuition for useless degrees, they should either go to jail or make the really big bucks on Wall Street.

Bloomberg Election Spending
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is spending $35,000 per hour on his re-election campaign. $35,000 per hour just to save ONE job? The people in the White House can't believe how much money Bloomberg is saving!

MIT Star
MIT running back DeRon Brown is the most unique player in college football... not because he's averaging 170 yards per game, but because he's the only running back who can calculate his own stats.

Cereal Claims
Critics are blasting Kellogg's claim that its cereals can boost immunity. They're also questioning the company's assertion that it is saving millions of children's lives every day by now longer stuffing each cereal box with choking hazard toys.

November 3rd

1783: The American Continental Army is disbanded. Each of the leading generals starts working on a solo album.

1913: The United States introduces an income tax... or as Steve Forbes calls it, "The Holocaust."

1942: The Second Battle of El Alamein ends as German forces under Erwin Rommel are forced to retreat during the night. This would be Rommels greatest humiliation until he is portrayed in a lousy Tom Cruise movie 66 years later.

Friday, October 30, 2009

November 2nd

1895: The first gasoline-powered auto race in the United States. First prize: $2,000... which is now the price of filling up the average SUV.

1965: Norman Morrison, a 31-year-old Quaker, sets himself on fire in front of the Pentagon to protest the use of napalm in the Vietnam war. The annual Pentagon employees barbeque has to be moved to another parking lot.

1966: The Cuban Adjustment Act enters force, allowing 123,000 Cubans the opportunity to apply for permanent residence in the United States.... this was otherwise known as the "Major League Baseball Amateur Draft."

November 1st

1348: The anti-royalist Union of Valencia attacks the Jews of Murviedro on the pretext that they are serfs of the King of Valencia and thus "royalists". You don't have to work so hard to attack the Jews these days... you just have to go to the UN.

1512: The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michelangelo, is exhibited to the public for the first time. The New York Times pans it as "too religious."

1805: Napoleon Bonaparte invades Austria during the War of the Third Coalition. While he's gone, half of Paris invades his wife.

1946: The New York Knicks played against the Toronto Huskies at the Maple Leaf Gardens, in the first Basketball Association of America game. The Knicks would win 68-66, and then go on to father 15 illegitimate children.

October 31st

1517: Martin Luther posts his 95 theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. His list is squeezed right between the witch burning poster and a call to kill more Jews.

1822: Emperor Agustín de Iturbide attempts to dissolve the Mexican Empire... by opening a restaurant on the U.S. border that pays $4.85 per hour.

1864: Nevada is admitted as the 36th U.S. state. The nation's whores and cash-strapped politicians rejoice.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Internet Anniversary
40 years ago today the first message was sent over the Internet. It was: "Hey, where's all the porn!"

Angry Muslim Wife
A New York City Muslim woman has been arrested for trying to slit her husband's throat after he tried to get her to eat pork. If a Jewish woman's husband tries to serve her pork, she makes him take her to a better restaurant.

Job Scam
It turns out that the White House has been incorrectly inflating the number of jobs created by the $787 billion stimulus plan. The Obama team says it made the mistakes because the cost of a government-bought calculator is $788 billion.

iPhone Perv App
There's a new iPhone app that let's you know if there's a registered sex offender in your vicinity. Of course if you're looking for someone who has never had sex of any kind, just look for the people standing on line to buy the new iPhone.

Cheaper Halloween
A new report shows that most Americans plan to spend less this Halloween. In fact, all of Steve Phillips' girlfriends are going to share the same Princess Leia costume.

Airline Cuts
US Airways is cutting 1,000 jobs, most of the laid off workers are hoping to get new jobs selling laptops to pilots at Northwest Airlines.

October 30th

1270: The Eighth Crusade ends by an agreement between Charles I of Sicily, the sultan of Tunis, and the ratings-challenged Crusader Television Network.

1938: Orson Welles broadcasts his radio play of H. G. Wells's The War of the Worlds, causing anxiety in some of the audience in the United States... but not as much anxiety as the guy who once ate Welles' last donut.

1995: Quebec sovereignists narrowly lose a referendum on declaring independence from Canada. Like most Americans, Quebecers realize it's just easier to ignore Canada altogether.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Anti-Pregnancy Program
An organization run by the University of North Carolina is paying high school girls in that state not to get pregnant. But they could get the same results and save money if they would just keep those girls away from the football team.

Obama Sees Coffins
Last night, President Obama witnessed the return of the remains of 18 U.S. servicemen killed in Afghanistan. He also met with the families of the killed soldiers, offered his condolences, and blamed President Bush.

Mayor Busted
A federal jury has convicted Birmingham, Alabama Mayor Larry Langford of accepting bribes in exchange for funneling $7.1 million in bond business to a prominent investment banker. Great, he's the ONE politician in America who's actually doing something for local business and he's going to jail!

Radical Muslim Leader Killed
FBI agents shot and killed an Muslim man yesterday who wanted to set up a radical, violent Islamic separatist state in the Detroit area. Great... the ONE guy who actually still wants to build something in Detroit, and he gets shot to death.

Radical Muslim Leader Killed II
FBI agents shot and killed an Muslim man yesterday who wanted to set up a radical, violent Islamic separatist state in the Detroit area. The killing was such a waste, since Detroit has already been a radical, violent Islamic separatist state since 1997.

Staples Center Robbery
Los Angeles police are looking for a thief who stole thousands of dollars at Staples Center... this is in addition to the the millions of dollars everyone on the Clippers has basically stolen from everyone who bought season tickets.

October 29th

1422: Charles the 7th of France becomes king in succession to his father Charles the 6th of France... Charles the 6th-and-a-half of France protests.

1863: Twenty seven countries meeting in Geneva agree to form the International Red Cross. Coffee, donuts and blankets are distrubuted to all the delegates.

2008: Delta Air Lines merges with Northwest Airlines, creating the world's largest airline and destroyer of peoples' time and luggage.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

B of A CEO Search
The Bank of America board says it's having a tough time finding a new CEO. It turns out all the best candidates are in jail.

World Series Tix
Tickets for tonight's game one of the World Series at Yankee Stadium are selling for as much as $5,000. This can only mean one thing: bonuses this year at Goldman Sachs and AIG are going to have to be boosted by 275%.

Agassi Meth
Andre Agassi now admits he used crystal meth in the 90's. That explains the dropoff in his tennis game, and why he dated Barbara Streissand.

Pilots Punished
The FAA has revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot the the runway in Minneapolis by 150 miles while they were on their laptop computers. The two pilots have been reassigned to Amtrak.

GMAC Bailout
GMAC needs another taxpayer bailout to the tune of $5.6 billion. That's $1 billion to bolster the company and $4.6 billion in bonuses for all the failed executives.

October 28th

312: Battle of Milvian Bridge: Constantine I defeats Maxentius when only he has exact change for the toll.

1636: The Massachusetts Bay Colony votes to establish Harvard University... it was either that, or create a special prison for all the colony's overly arrogant and annoying people.

1965: The Second Vatican Council absolves the Jews of allegedly killing Jesus, but newly indicts them for selling overpriced electronics equipment.

Smart Meters
The government will install so-called "smart meters" in 18 million American homes to monitor energy usage. This is good news for everyone who wants the uplifting experience of getting an electric bill every day instead of once a month.

Since most of these energy monitoring devices are made in China, they will also come with a debt meter.

McGwire Hired
St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa has hired Mark McGwire as his hitting coach. Team workouts will now be moved from Busch Stadium to the illegal syringe exchange behind the local 7-11.

Phillips in Therapy
ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips has been fired as he undergoes sex addiction therapy. Apparently, that therapy consists mostly of forcing Phillips to watch 17 straight hours of "The View."

IRS Unit
A new IRS unit has been set up to only go after Americans with net worths of $10 million or more. The investigators are ordered to the rich to pay their back taxes or make a major campaign donation, whichever comes first.

Pilots Online
It turns out the pilots on the Northwest flight that overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles were too engrossed in their laptops to pay attention to the flight. In their defense the pilots say that if the airline hired hot stewardesses like they used to, they wouldn't have to spend so much time surfing Internet porn.

October 27th

312: Constantine the Great has his famous Vision of the Cross. This made him not only the first Christian Roman Emperor, but also the first televangelist.

1682: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is founded. The founding service is concluded with the city's first-ever ceremonial booing.

1838: Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs issues the Extermination Order, which orders all Mormons to leave the state or be exterminated. This law is later rescinded for all Mormons except the Osmonds.

1904: The first underground New York City Subway line opens, providing millions of rats with the human company they'd craved for centuries.

1994: The U.S. prison population tops 1 million for the first time in American history... the U.S. tattoo industry struggles to keep up.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

October 26th

1776: Benjamin Franklin departs from America for France on a mission to seek French support for the American Revolution... and to test out his new condom invention.

1825: The Erie Canal opens – offering to Albany from Lake Erie... and if anyone actually wanted to go to Albany, this would have been a great achievement.

1994: The National Football League announced that the Carolina Panthers would become the league's the 29th franchise. Police in North and South Carolina demand reinforcements.

October 25th

1938: The Archbishop of Dubuque, Francis J. L. Beckman, denounces Swing music as "a degenerated musical system... turned loose to gnaw away at the moral fiber of young people", warning that it leads down a "primrose path to hell"... then he resumed molesting an altar boy.

1962: Cuban missile crisis: Adlai Stevenson shows photos at the UN proving Soviet missiles are installed in Cuba... but everyone is more interested in the photos he has that shows JFK's missile installed in Marilyn Monroe.

1997: After a brief civil war which has driven President Pascal Lissouba out of Brazzaville, Denis Sassou-Nguesso proclaims himself the President of the Republic of the Congo... then he goes back to delivering groceries for the Food Emporium.

October 24th

1857: Sheffield F.C., the world's first football club, is founded in Sheffield, England. Since there are no other teams, its fans just beat each other up.

1931: The George Washington Bridge opens to public traffic. Hundreds of New Yorkers line up on the Manhattan side of the bridge to yell "go back to Jersey!" at all the incoming cars.

1973: Yom Kippur War ends. The Israeli army finally breaks its fast at its Aunt Sadie's house in Brooklyn.

Northwest Mistake
A Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis overshot the Minneapolis airport by about 150 miles Wednesday evening. The pilots say they were just following the passengers' luggage.

Pay Cuts
The White House pay czar has decided that no one at a bailed out bank can make more than $500,000 per year. If you think that's bad news for the Wall Street executives, think of what it's doing to New York's cocaine dealers and escort services!

Mets Money
It turns out the Mets owners actually made $48 million investing with Bernie Madoff, but they may have to pay that back. The Mets are hoping that in lieu of cash, prosecutors will accept two overpaid infielders and an ineffective reliever.

Polanski Extradition
The U.S. is now formally asking the Swiss government to send Roman Polanski back to the states to face justice for having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl. Prosecutors say they would have asked for Polanski sooner, but they first needed to buy enough sani-wipes before feeling comfortable around him.

NJ Race
Jon Corzine, Chris Christie and Chris Daggett are running for governor of New Jersey. The winner gets to be governor of the state for 4 years, the loser gets to be governor for eight years.

October 23rd

42 BC: In the Second Battle of Philippi, Brutus's army is decisively defeated by Mark Antony and Octavian. Brutus commits suicide... Brutus' parents blame Heavy Metal music.

1861: U.S. President Abraham Lincoln suspends the writ of habeas corpus in Washington, D.C., for all military-related cases. The New York Times blames Dick Cheney.

1946: The United Nations General Assembly convened for the first time, at an auditorium in Flushing, Queens, New York City. Most of the delegates' cars are still double-parked.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Bush Speaking Gig
Former President George W. Bush will be the featured speaker at the "Get Motivated" seminar in Fort Worth this Saturday. The organizers are hoping Mr. Bush will motivate the attendees as much as he did Keith Olberman.

Rosie Divorce?
Rosie O'Donnell and spouse Kelli Carpenter are reportedly "having issues"... which is code for Rosie's checks aren't clearing fast enough.

Subway Discounts
The New York City Subway system is considering reduced fares for late-night riders... and they'll get an even bigger discount if they promise not to pee on the train.

Bank Pay Cuts
White House pay czar Kenneth Feinberg is ordering salary cuts of up to 90% for the top executives of the bailed out banks. By that logic, Feinberg should cut the salaries of every member on Congress by 725%.

Cookie Diet
The latest weight loss craze is the "cookie diet" which involves eating six pre-packaged cookies per day. Experts warn that while people on the diet do lose weight, many of them also become furry and blue.

October 22nd

362: The temple of Apollo at Daphne, outside of Antioch, is destroyed in a mysterious fire. Apollo is later arrested while trying to collect the insurance money.

1964: Jean-Paul Sartre is awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature, but turns down the honor in favor of giving it to a three-year-old Barack Obama who had just learned to draw a happy face with a crayon.

1976: Red Dye No. 4 is banned in the U.S. after it is discovered that it causes tumors. The dye is still used in Canada, where everyone's bladder is immune to those effects due to overdrinking Molson and Labatt's.