Smart Meters
The government will install so-called "smart meters" in 18 million American homes to monitor energy usage. This is good news for everyone who wants the uplifting experience of getting an electric bill every day instead of once a month.


Since most of these energy monitoring devices are made in China, they will also come with a debt meter.



McGwire Hired
St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa has hired Mark McGwire as his hitting coach. Team workouts will now be moved from Busch Stadium to the illegal syringe exchange behind the local 7-11.



Phillips in Therapy
ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips has been fired as he undergoes sex addiction therapy. Apparently, that therapy consists mostly of forcing Phillips to watch 17 straight hours of "The View."



IRS Unit
A new IRS unit has been set up to only go after Americans with net worths of $10 million or more. The investigators are ordered to the rich to pay their back taxes or make a major campaign donation, whichever comes first.



Pilots Online
It turns out the pilots on the Northwest flight that overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles were too engrossed in their laptops to pay attention to the flight. In their defense the pilots say that if the airline hired hot stewardesses like they used to, they wouldn't have to spend so much time surfing Internet porn.






October 27th

312: Constantine the Great has his famous Vision of the Cross. This made him not only the first Christian Roman Emperor, but also the first televangelist.


1682: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is founded. The founding service is concluded with the city's first-ever ceremonial booing.


1838: Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs issues the Extermination Order, which orders all Mormons to leave the state or be exterminated. This law is later rescinded for all Mormons except the Osmonds.


1904: The first underground New York City Subway line opens, providing millions of rats with the human company they'd craved for centuries.


1994: The U.S. prison population tops 1 million for the first time in American history... the U.S. tattoo industry struggles to keep up.