Dollar Decline
The U.S. dollar continues to lose value, forcing the import prices higher and spiking fears of inflation, and forcing most strippers to reject dollars for their G-strings.



Pope's Invitation
Pope Benedict XVI has issued a new edict that will allow Anglicans to join the Catholic Church... proving once again that nobody wants Anglicans around until they run out of whiskey.



Expensive Death Penalty
A new report concludes that most states are wasting millions on an inefficient death penalty system. To save money, the report says it would be better to use their expensive lethal injection and electric chair devices on most state politicians



New Planets
32 new planets have been discovered outside Earth's solar system through the use of a new telescope. The residents of those planets are now pressing peeping charges in the U.N.



Pakistani University Attack
At least six people have been killed in twin bomb blasts at the Islamic University Pakistan. The Pakistani government says this is either because of the Taliban or those rowdy frat guys at Delta Tau Chi.





October 20th


1803: The U.S. Senate ratifies the Louisiana Purchase... the country's flood insurance premiums shoot through the roof.


1947: The House Un-American Activities Committee begins its investigation into Communist infiltration of Hollywood, resulting in a blacklist that prevents hundreds from working in the industry for years. Unfortunately, the blacklist does not include Phil Silvers.


1971: The Nepal Stock Exchange collapses, forcing the Nepalese people to go back to buying everything with yak's milk.