Thursday, January 31, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back with TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Britney in the Hospital
In light of her continued erratic behavior, North Hollywood police have taken Britney Spears to the UCLA Medical Center for psychiatric evaluation. Of course, if they're going to start arresting every celebrity who exhibits odd behavior, L.A. is going to have to build a lot more hospitals.

Spears is actually staying in a room next to her ex-husband Kevin Federline, who coincidentally was in the hospital at the same time getting treated for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and genital warts.

Soc Gen CEO Safe
Despite a trading fraud scandal that cost the bank more than $7 billion, France's Societe General is vowing not to fire its CEO. Of course the French have been celebrating failure since World War II.

GOP Debate
In last night's GOP debate, the candidates fought over who was most like Ronald Reagan now. The argument was eventually won by Mitt Romney when everyone realized he was dead.

Post-Edwards Battle
Now that John Edwards is out of the race, the Clinton and Obama campaigns are fighting over his suddenly available fundraisers. But the real battle is over who's going to get his hairdresser.

China Weather
A surprise wave of cold weather in China has paralyzed transportation, frozen the power grid, and forced thousands of factories to shut down... thus saving the lives of millions of American children who won't be getting the poisonous toys the Chinese aren't making right now.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Fed Decision Day
Ben Bernanke will probably give in to Wall Street pressure and cut interest rates another half point. But the markets won't respect him in the morning.

Rudy Ripped
After a disastrous showing in the Florida primary, Rudy Giuliani is expected to drop out of the presidential race today. But like most New Yorkers in Florida, he'll wait until May before heading back north.

While in Florida, Giuliani failed to win over the voters, wasted millions of campaign funds, and threw up while riding "Escape from Witch Mountain."

Romney Stumbles
Mitt Romeny was also a loser Tuesday... but he's emphasizing the "positives" of his time in Florida, like maintaining his tan.

Hillary "Wins"
Despite not being worth any delegates, Hillary Clinton is celebrating her win in the Florida primary. Celebrating non-binding events is something Hillary has been used to ever since she married Bill.

Edwards Quits
John Edwards is dropping out of the presidential race. He wanted to get out while he still had enough campaign funds for one or two more haircuts.

GDP Sags
New reports show the U.S.economy grew at an anemic 0.6% rate in the last three months of last year... sobering news for a country that must feed and employ 2.5 billion Chinese and Mexican workers.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Primary Day
Thousands of Floridians are lining up to vote in today's presidential primaries... but about half of them are just confused senior citizens who think they're waiting for the early bird special.

Bush's Call
In his State of the Union address, President Bush urged Congress to boost the economy in this "period of uncertainty"... and Congress immediately acted by declaring another war.

President Bush also promised to keep America safe from violence... so he's trying to negotiate a peace agreement between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Ted Still backs Obama
Ted Kennedy is standing by his decision to endorse Barack Obama for president. The 60's were pretty fuzzy for Teddy, so for all he knows, Obama might be his son.

Wal-Mart Cuts Prices
Wal-Mart has announced that it will chop prices between 10 to 30%. Wal-Mart realized its customers needed a price break when it noticed that most of them were starting to have trouble complying with the store's "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policies.

Britney Sees a Shrink
Britney Spears is reportedly seeing a psychiatrist... and that would be encouraging news if she weren't also reportedly seeing UFO's, the tooth fairy, and Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Foreclosure Numbers
A new report says that more than 1% of all U.S. households are in some stage of foreclosure... the other 99% are only statying in their homes because they can't think of another place to put their flat-screen TV's.

Monday, January 28, 2008

New Plan
Senate Democrats are now demanding that the economic stimulus package include special payments to seniors on Social Security... so the money gets to at least some people who actually vote.

Mozilo Givebacks
Countrywide Financial CEO Angelo Mozilo says he is forfeiting $37.5 million in severance pay, $400,000 in annual salary, and 10 of his 25 paid weekly visits to the company tanning salon.

Mormom Leader Dies
Gordon B. Hinckley, president of The Mormon Church, died Sunday evening at the age of 97. Cause of death was diabetes, cancer, and Mitt Romney's poll numbers.

Elephant Attack
A wild elephant in southern China attacked an American tourist this weekend. The elephant was apparently furious over the falling dollar and all those toy recalls.

Super Bowl Tickets
The average price of a scalped ticket to the Super Bowl is $4,300... but the average price of a scalped ticket AND a good excuse to tell your wife why you spent so much money for a damned football game is $5,300.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Brando Dies
Marlon Brando's son Christian died Saturday. Unfortunately for him, his father took up the remaining 4 spaces in the family plot when he died 3 1/2 years ago.

Giants Preps
The New York Giants are deep into their preparations for the Super Bowl. Eli Manning is working on his passing game, Plaxico Burress is working on his passing routes, and Michael Strahan is working on getting 17 game tickets for his divorce attorneys.

Hillary's New Plan
After getting routed in the South Carolina primary, Hillary Clinton is making some changes. She's going to refocus on the issues, tone down her negative attacks, and drive away in the campaign bus before Bill wakes up every morning.

Rudy Reeeling
Rudy Giuliani has fallen well behind in the Florida polls. Among elderly voters, he now trails McCain, Romney, and Matlock.

Caroline for Barack
Caroline Kennedy is endorsing Barack Obama, saying he would be a president like her father. That makes sense; he's a member of an ethnic minority with an evil person constantly trying to assassinate him.

Fraud Explained
The French bank that employed rogue trader Jerome Kerviel says he hacked into bank computers and lost the bank $7 billion. That was $1 billion in bad stock trades and $6 billion in canceled ATM fees.

Kenya Deaths
The U.N. says the death toll from the Kenya elections is now at 800... and that's without any negative campaign commercials.

Friday, January 25, 2008

New Rambo
61-year-old Sylvester Stallone stars in the new "Rambo" movie in theaters today. In this film, a heavily-armed Rambo breaks across the Canadian border to get cheaper prescription drugs.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Ledger Clue
Tests on a $20 bill found at the Lower Manhattan apartment where actor Heath Ledger died yielded no drug residue. Cops should have known that no self-respecting movie star would use anything less than a 50.

Economic Stimulus
As they discuss an economic stimulus plan, the White House and congressional leaders are reportedly very close to an agreement "in principle"... they all agree that they don't have any.

Hillary Gets Nastier
Hillary and Bill Clinton's attacks against Barack Obama are getting fiercer by the day, leading Americans to believe the best way to defeat terrorism is to somehow convince Mrs. Clinton that al Qaeda is running against her in a primary.

Huge Fraud
French bank Societe Generale says it has uncovered a $7.14 billion fraud by a single trader who fooled investors and overstepped his authority. The shady trader is missing, but the company's board is desperate to find him so it can make him the CEO.

Border Mayhem
As the border between Egypt and the Gaza Strip remains open, thousands of Palestinians are streaming out of Gaza to get their essential items, like food, fuel, and masks.

Egypt Acts
Egypt is starting to control the crowds of Palestinians pouring in from Gaza. Everyone is being put into a line, given a special plastic bracelet, and there is a limit of three bombs per person.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Mubarak's "Kindness"
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he instructed border guards to allow Palestinians from Gaza into Egypt... he just neglected to give the same order to the barbed wire and concrete walls.

It's not clear whether Gazans poured into Egypt to get food and fuel or just to be first in line for the $19.99 rocket-launcher doorbuster sale at the Cairo Wal-Mart

Rice Advice
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is urging Israel to avoid a humanitarian crisis in Gaza by finding different ways to punish Hamas. For example, nothing hurts a murderous terrorist more than no TV or Nintendo for a week.

Top 10 Condi Rice "Alternative" Punishments for Hamas

10) Make all terrorists write: "I will not fire bombs into Israel" 1,000 times on the blackboard.

9) Make Hamas members get a paper route to pay for all those Israeli windows they've broken playing "rocket ball" with their friends.

8) From now on, they can't just kidnap BBC journalists, they actually have to listen to them too.

7) Force worst militants to give Suha Arafat her daily spongebath.

6) Have Hamas leadership personally taste test all new toys made in China.

5) Teach them a lesson by taking them out back and making them smoke all their firebombs until they get sick of it.

4) No more burning tires for no reason until they clean up all the tires they burned for no reason last week.

3) Three words: Lather, rinse, repeat.

2) If they're going to fire rockets, then they have to have a rocket for everyone else in the class.

1) Clean and press every one of Mahmoud Abbas' 1,500 designer suits.

Ledger Dead
After being found dead in his Soho apartment, actor Heath Ledger's family called his death "tragic, accidental, and really coming at a bad time to try to sell a suddenly vacant condo in this market."

No Grammy Pickets
Striking Hollywood writers have decided against picketing the upcoming Grammy Awards, which would have required them to do the impossible task of pretending to care about the Grammys.

Pfizer Pflops
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced plunging earnings numbers today. But it forecasted much bigger profits for the rest of year, as millions of Pfizer investors will need to take more drugs to get over these losses.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Markets Fall Hard
As global stock markets post record selloffs, the CEO's of America's most struggling companies are snapping into action... by quitting and grabbing their $100 million severance packages before it's too late.

The Fed has cut interest rates by 3/4 of a point in response to the stock dropoff, when it only cut rates by a 1/2 point after 9/11. Proof once again that stupid Wall Street brokers are more dangerous to America than suicide bombers.

Davos Conference
As the market meltdown intensifies, the world's top CEO's are gathering in Davos, Switzerland... because stock selloffs come and go, but good ski conditions are hard to come by.

Paulson's Preaching
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said today that the current mortgage-related problems in America are "only temporary,"... which is true since most of us will be evicted from our homes in about 3 months or so.

Dem Debate
After last night's nasty exchanges between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in the Democratic debate, experts are wondering which candidate won. Of course the answer is John McCain.

Gaza Delivery
Israel allowed 50 trucks full of food supplies into Gaza today. Before that, most Gazans had been forced to eat surplus explosives.

Palestinians say the supplies of flour and milk Israel allowed into Gaza today were "insufficient"... mostly because they can't figure out how to set them on fire.

The European Commission is condemning Israel's actions to stop Palestinian rocket attacks as “collective punishment"... because stopping the attacks unfairly keeps Palestinians from dancing in the streets when Jews die.

Texas Steroids
Texas will begin testing its high school athletes for steroids this month. One day, they hope to test the athletes for reading and math.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Gaza in Darkness
Israel has shut off all power to Gaza. Apparently, suicide bombers and exploding rockets are not an acceptable payment for the electric bill.

Hamas leaders are strongly protesting the move, especially since darkness makes it hard to continue killing people.

Hillary Wins
Hillary Clinton won the Nevada caucuses Saturday. It figures that she would win in a state where lying and cheating is a job requirement for most residents.

McCain on Top
With his win in the South Carolina primary, John McCain is now the frontrunner for the GOP nomination. But the 71-year-old McCain faces a huge challenge in the upcoming Florida primary where most voters still consider him too young to be president.

Rudy's Game
Rudy Giuliani is still betting his entire presidential campaign on the Florida primary... which means he'll start campaigning in some other states as soon as he finishes listening to all those elderly voters and their stories about the Depression.

Pleshette Dead
Actress Suzanne Pleshette died today. The autopsy is expected to find some blood in her nicotine stream.