Monday, October 31, 2011

Medical Waste
A new report shows that Americans get $6.8 billion worth of unnecessary medical tests per year. In fact, doctors performed 15 unnecessary breast and gynecological exams on Jessica Alba last month alone.

Cain Claims
Herman Cain is denying two claims of sexual harassment against him. On the bright side, he now has Bill Clinton's endorsement.

Stock Disease
A new study shows that following volatile stock markets causes heart disease. Luckily, most of the people who work on Wall Street have no hearts.

Corzine Payment
Despite plunging the MF Global investment firm into bankruptcy, CEO Jon Corzine could get a $9 million severance package. Actually, any payment that keeps him from running for office again would be worth it for everybody.

Perry Tax Plan
The liberal Tax Policy Center says Rick Perry's flat tax plan would reduce federal tax revenues by $1 trillion by 2015. That's enough money to pay for a whole week of Charlie Rangel's dinners and his resulting colostomy treatments.

November 1st

1886: Ananda College, a leading Buddhist school in Sri Lanka is established with 37 students... but most of them flunk out when they are unable to achieve total consciousness on the midterm.

1950: Pope Pius XII claims Papal Infallibility... but then loses all credibility when he picks the Pirates to win the World Series.

1959: Jacques Plante of the Montreal Canadiens becomes the first goaltender to wear a protective mask... sadly, he forgot to wear his protective cup.

Axelrod Lashes Out
Top Obama advisor David Axelrod says the Republicans are destroying the economy on purpose... and he insists the President is only doing it by accident.

Corzine Crash
Jon Corzine's MF Global hedge fund is about to file for bankruptcy. Who could have guessed that the guy who once ran the well-financed and fiscally disciplined state of New Jersey wouldn't work out on Wall Street?

Social Security Emergency
Social Security will lose $250 billion by next year if President Obama is able to extend the payroll tax holiday as he proposes. But that won't matter because of all the old people who will be killed by Obamacare.

Jersey Snow
Much of New Jersey remains without power after Saturday's freak snow storm. You know it's really bad, because even the Real Housewives of New Jersey are all sharing one hair dryer.

Pakistani Sesame Street
The U.S. government is giving Pakistan $20 million to fund a local version of Sesame Street. In the Pakistani version of the show, Ernie's rubber duckie is actually a plastic explosive.

October 31st

1864: Nevada is admitted as the 36th U.S. state. It's official state flower is syphilis.

1959: Lee Harvey Oswald attempts to renounce his American citizenship in Moscow. He is told to come back with something the Soviets want... like soft toilet paper.

1961: Joseph Stalin's body is removed from Lenin's Tomb... just so that Lenin doesn't get lonely, Stalin's body is replaced by the 20 million dead people Stalin killed.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

October 30th

758: Guangzhou is sacked by Arab and Persian pirates... but it's called back for an offsides penalty.

1864: Denmark renounces all claims to Schleswig, Holstein, Lauenburg... and every other European city that sounds like a type of cheese.

1983: The first democratic elections in Argentina after seven years of military rule are held. The people vote to bring back military rule.

Friday, October 28, 2011

October 29th

312: Roman Emperor Maxentius' body is fished out the Tiber and beheaded... making his drowning all the more uncomfortable.

1618: Sir Walter Raleigh is beheaded for allegedly conspiring against King James I. Raleigh gets his revenge years later by getting everyone addicted to his cigarettes.

1983: Over 500,000 people demonstrate against cruise missiles in The Hague, Netherlands. In a predictably bloody scene, the cruise missiles win.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Obama Editorial
President Obama has an editorial in today's Financial Times, touting all his economic accomplishments. Topping the list: he was able to con the Financial Times to let him write an editorial touting all his economic accomplishments.

Something's Fishy
Consumer Reports says most fish dishes in America are mislabeled. Food inspectors are responding by forcing McDonalds to rename their popular seafood sandwich the "Filet O'Plankton."

King Got Conned
Larry King says he invested $700,000 with Bernie Madoff, but got it all back. This means he won't have to choose between paying his divorce lawyers or buying adult diapers.

China Scandal
A baby girl abandoned on a city street in China has died. The incident is forcing a moral crisis in China, as most people are outraged that the baby wasn't working in a sneaker factory.

UK Succession Rules
Great Britain has changed its royal succession rules. Men will no longer have precedence over girls in line for the throne... which is great news for Prince Charles.

October 28th

97: Emperor Nerva is forced to adopt Marcus Ulpius Trajanus... but at least he came with a leash and some house breaking pads.

1775: A British proclamation forbids residents from leaving Boston. It was never rescinded... which explains why there are still some people living in Boston.

1958: John XXIII is elected as Pope, making good on his "more Roman numerals" campaign promises.

Madoff Suicide Pact
Ruth Madoff now says she and her husband Bernie attempted, but failed to commit suicide. Several charitable organizations are now offering to help them try again.

EU Deal
As part of a new European bailout deal, private bondholders of Greece's debt will have to take a 50% cut in their investment. In return, they get free coffee refills at any diner in Manhattan through next Easter.

Wii Slump
Sales of Nintendo's Wii are falling. It turns out it's best customers just discovered girls.

Brown's Plan
California Governor Jerry Brown wants to raise the state retirement age to 67. Voters are expected to approve that plan since that would mean Brown should have retired 55 years ago.

NBA Deal?
The NBA and the players union are reporting progress in their labor talks. Some players are so optimistic, they've pre-ordered several new tattoos for their illegitimate children.

October 27th

1553: Condemned as a heretic, Michael Servetus is burned at the stake just outside Geneva. They would have done it inside Geneva, but that would have really ruined that day's elementary school barbeque.

1806: The French Army enters Berlin... just to hand out pastries, fighting was sooo 1805.

1904: The first underground New York City Subway line opens, providing a haven for hundreds of New Yorkers who like to make inaudible public announcements.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Diaper Demand
The state of Connecticut is demanding that the federal government provide it with free diapers to give to low-income mothers. It's a reasonable request since Washington has been sending the states the stuff that fills diapers for years.

EU and Italy
The European Union is demanding that Italy do something about cutting its costs. It's getting so bad, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is only paying three underage girls for sex this week.

Tuition Surge
College tuitions are up 8.3% this year. The colleges are getting away with it since most high school grads don't know how to add.

Occupy Arrests
Police fired tear gas at Occupy Oakland protesters last night. But it didn't work because the tear gas actually smelled better than the demonstrators.

Obama on Leno
President Obama appeared as a guest on the Tonight Show last night. It was a huge hit, all he had to do was appear on stage and the audience didn't stop laughing at him for 30 minutes.

October 26th

1825: The Erie Canal opens – passage from Albany, New York to Lake Erie. For 186 years it's remained open and ready for use... waiting for someone who wants to go to Albany or Lake Erie.

1861: The Pony Express officially ceases operations, but it is likely to get a bailout from the Obama administration any day now.

1995: Mossad agents assassinate Islamic Jihad leader Fathi Shikaki in his hotel in Malta. Then they swipe about $500 worth of overpriced snacks from the hotel mini-fridge.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Perry's Tax Plan
Rick Perry will unveil his optional flat tax plan today. But Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is already blasting the plan as unoriginal, reminding everyone that for him, paying taxes has been optional for years.

Panhandler Problem
San Francisco has fallen a notch in the ratings of great places to visit because of too many panhandlers. It turns out tourists really need that spare change to buy the medical marijuana they went all the way to California to get.

Obama Event
President Obama held a major fundraiser last night at the home of Antonio Bandera and Melanie Griffith. During the event, the President promised to create jobs... mostly by hiring a hit squad to go after the surgeons who messed up Griffith's face.

Florida Law Blocked
A federal judge has blocked Florida's new law requiring state resident to pass a drug test before getting welfare. Of course, this is the same judge who has blocked high school kids from having to pass a reading test before joining the University of Miami football team.

Kids and TV
A growing number of medical researchers are warning about the dangers of watching TV when very young children are nearby... mostly because they tend to make noise and drown out your favorite shows.

October 24th

1920: After 74 days on Hunger Strike in Brixton Prison, England, the Sinn Féin Lord Mayor of Cork, Terence MacSwiney died. Of course the prisoner who DID eat the British food died after 73 days.

1983: The United States invade Grenada in "Operation Save the Med Students Who Partied in College."

2004: Cuban President Fidel Castro announces that transactions using the American Dollar will be banned. Five years later, U.S. President Barack Obama makes the same proclamation.

Jobs Book
The new Steve Jobs biography hits stores today and it is expected to break every book selling record. It's being marketed as the best thing to read while you're standing in line for 3 weeks waiting to buy the next iPhone.

Student Loan Bailout
This week, President Obama will announce a new student loan bailout program. Of course there already is a program for people who can't pay their student loans, it's called "working at Starbucks."

No Cell Cancer Link
The biggest ever medical study on mobile devices concludes there is no link to cancer with cell phone use. The only lethal threat is still what happens to the parents of teenagers when they get their cell phone bills.

Obama to Vegas
President Obama goes to Las Vegas today to promote his jobs bill... and try to fix the deficit by taking all of this month's federal tax revenues to the roulette table at the Bellagio.

Beavis is Back!
MTV is bringing Beavis and Butthead back to its lineup this month... the show is also known as "The Obama-Biden Re-Election Campaign."

October 24th

1260: The spectacular Cathedral of Chartres is dedicated in the presence of King Louis IX of France; naturally, the cathedral is now a government-run clean needle exchange for heroin addicts.

1949: The cornerstone of the United Nations Headquarters is laid... appropriatley right in the middle of traffic on 1st Avenue.

1973: Yom Kippur War ends; Israelis and Arabs celebrate together with a fabulous "break war" catered by H&H Bagels.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

October 23rd

1694: British/American colonial forces, led by Sir William Phipps, fail to seize Quebec from the French... but only because they just didn't ask nicely enough.

1867: 72 Senators are summoned by Royal Proclamation to serve as the first members of the Canadian Senate... but to actually get them there, they had to promise them hockey and beer.

1946: The United Nations General Assembly convenes for the first time, changing its name from "The Legion of Doom."

Friday, October 21, 2011

October 22nd

362: A mysterious fire destroys the temple of Apollo outside Antioch. The owners are still trying to collect the insurance.

1383: King Fernando dies without a male heir to the Portuguese throne, sparking a period of civil war, disorder, and crappy romantic comedy movies.

1976: Red Dye No. 4 is banned by the US Food and Drug Administration after it is discovered that it causes tumors in the bladders of dogs. The dye is still used in Canada... where no one cares about dogs.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

NBA Talks Fail
The NBA labor talks have broken off and there seems to be little chance there will be a season this year. With players not getting paid, the big question is: how do you repossess a tattoo?

Jobs Surgery Delay
The new Steve Jobs biography says he delayed cancer surgery while he sought out holistic healing methods for nine months. He must have been getting his medical advice from the people who designed the new BlackBerry.

Chicken Run
Thousands of live chickens spilled onto a California highway yesterday after a massive truck crash. Officials aren't going to chase the chickens, they'll just let them be eaten by the lions and tigers let loose by that maniac in Ohio.

Cap and Crash
California has adopted new cap and trade on businesses that emit carbons in the state. But the only businesses emitting anything in California now are the state unemployment offices.

Lohan Sorry
Lindsay Lohan says she's sorry for showing up late to her communuity service job at a California morgue. Actually the way she drinks and drives, she's about five years late to the morgue already.

October 21st

1512: Martin Luther joins the theological faculty of the University of Wittenberg. He is immediately asked to give passing grades to the entire football team.

1816: The Penang Free School is founded in George Town, Penang, Malaysia, by the Rev Hutchings. The school has remained free of all Penang for the last 195 years.

1921: President Warren G. Harding delivers the first speech by a sitting President against lynching in the deep south... then he goes back to his Klan meeting.