Tuesday, November 30, 2004

WEB ALERT!! I have a new satirical story published on the Enduring Vision web site. Here's the link: Enduring Vision

Top 5 Accomplishments of Outgoing Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge

5) Made NYC subway cars safe enough to urinate on again

4) made sure the 19 suicide bombers behind 9/11 haven't committed even one attack since then

3) Made it acceptable to look like the kid from Bob's Big Boy (see what I mean: Bob's Big Boy)

2) Helped duct tape investors avoid overall stock market downturn

1) Teenage boys no longer have to surf the web to see women undressing in public... now they just have to go to the airport

Bush Visits Canada
As he visits Canada today, President Bush faces serious challenges because of a continuing international crisis that has turned almost every Canadian against the United States... but enough about the NHL lockout.

Top 5 Things President Bush can do to Ease Tensions During His Visit to Canada

5) Remember to keep his speeches short, especially since he doesn't speak Canadian

4) Remind Canadians that with the hockey season canceled, the only place to see a bunch of toothless goons killing each other is in Iraq

3) Show the world his confidence in Canada's free medical care, and reduce the U.S. budget deficit, by shipping Dick Cheney to Ottawa

2) Assure everyone that he's only against gay marriage in the U.S., not Canada... where everyone seems kinda gay anyway

1) Lend Prime Minister Martin Karl Rove for election time

Al Qaeda Tape
In a tape made before the election, al Qaeda's #2 Aymin al Zawahiri tells Americans that nothing will change no matter if we vote for "Bush, Kerry or Satan himself." Apparently, al Zawahiri thought Tom DeLay was also running for President

Monday, November 29, 2004

Top 5 Reasons President Bush Chose Kellogg's CEO Carlos Gutierrez to be Commerce Secretary

5) Knowledge of how to sugar-coat things will come in handy when he makes economic reports

4) Every time pesky Democrats try to stop tax cuts for the wealthy, he can use brilliant "leggo my Eggo" argument against them

3) The way this economy is going, everyone will be eating cereal three meals a day pretty soon anyway

2) Despite making Fruit Loops, Bush was reasonably confident he doesn't support gay marriage

1) No matter how bad the trade deficit gets, he can arrange for Tony the Tiger to convince Americans that things are grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

Royalty Battle
The children who provided backup vocals on Pink Floyd's hit song "The Wall" 25 years ago, are now asking for royalties. This incident proves that while you may not "need no education," it's still a good idea to get a good lawyer.

Supreme Court Gay Marriage
The Supreme Court has decided not to hear a case challenging gay marriage in Massachusetts because the conservative plaintiffs could not prove they were an "injured party." Actually, gay marriage has produced an injured party... but that would be the Democratic Party.

Supreme Court Pot
The Supreme Court will consider a federal law banning the use of medical marijuana. The court is taking the case not because the issue is important constitutionally, but because all the old and sick justices are hoping that bringing the pot-smoking plaintiffs in the courtroom will give them a little contact high.

NBA Reform
After last week's chair-throwing riot in Detroit, the NBA is still looking into making major rules changes at all arenas. But so far, all the league has come up with is a proposal to ban chairs.

Dollar Value
The dollar continues to lose value... driving prices up for gas, overseas travel, and it apparently it now costs more than $400 million to come up with even one decent presidential candidate.

Holiday Gift List
Gift buying fro some people can be tough. So, here is a list of what some famous, and not-so-famous folks need the most this joyous season:

President Bush: A cabinet member willing to stick around

John Kerry: Prozac

Howard Dean: Generic Prozac

Teresa Heinz-Kerry: Date with Howard Dean, (pre-Prozac)

Barack Obama: An imaginary fellow up-and-coming Democrat to keep him company

Iran: A better explanation for their nuclear energy program

Ukraine: All the Americans who still think the U.S. election was rigged

Liza Minnelli: Punching bag that also serves drinks

New York Yankees: Course on how to give yourself the Heimlich maneuver

Red Sox Fans: Don't get greedy

Bill O'Reilly: Cold shower

Scott Peterson: A lawyer who charges $25,000 a day, but actually shows up at your trial!

FCC: Credibility

UN: Credibility

CBS: Credibility

NBA: Credibility

Ben Affleck: A year without making a movie... and credibility

Dick Cheney: Likeability... and credibility

Colin Powell: Democratic Party registration form... and credibility

Thursday, November 25, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: NEWSDAY

Peyton's Place
Colts quarterback Peyton Manning put on a show this Thanksgiving Day with six touchdown passes as Indianapolis beat the Lions in Detroit, 41-9. Manning was so accurate with his throws, he even hit a few rowdy Detroit fans as they tried to charge the field and start another riot.

Global Warming Strategy
The eight nations with artic territory have agreed to implement serious policies to keep temperatures cool enough to avoid further melting of the polar ice caps. The first measure is to make Martha Stewart their new queen.

A-Rod a Dad
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is a dad for the first time, as his wife Cynthia gave birth to a baby girl. Looks like A-Rod finally did come through in the clutch!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Jennings is King
With Rather and Tom Brokaw going, ABC's Peter Jennings is expected to become the dominant news anchor for people who watch network evening news. That's kind of like being the guy who leads the "sing-a-long" at the nursing home.

Holiday Getaway
Millions of Americans are already clogging the highways this afternoon. But it's not clear if they want to get out of town for Thanksgiving, or just trying to get a decent parking spot at the mall in time for tomorrow.

Oliver Stone's new movie about Alexander the Great is getting mostly bad reviews. Critics say there's nothing wrong with the film, except for the part where Stone tries to prove that Alexander was really killed by the CIA.

Super Paul
Paul McCartney will be the lead act at this January's Super Bowl halftime show. McCartney was chosen because he's still a huge star, was a hit when he did the show 3 years ago, and he's probably too old and slow to rip Janet Jackson's shirt off.

Lupone Search
Actress Patti Lupone says she was "shocked" by the aggressive way she was patted down during a recent upper-torso body search at the Fort Lauderdale airport. Judging by the way Lupone looks these days, we're shocked that anyone would feel her up too.

Powell Dinner Chat
Colin Powell is downplaying the importance of a discussion he had with Iran's foreign minister during a dinner this week in Egypt. The outgoing Secretary of State insists they didn't talk about Iran's nuclear program, mostly because Powell spent most of the time asking him for a job.

Ukraine Protests
Thousands of Ukrainians are protesting the questionable results of their presidential election. Actually, the demonstrators are mostly angry that after going through all the trouble to attain democracy, the truth is they're still living in the Ukraine.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Top 5 REAL Reasons Dan Rather is Quitting as Anchor of the CBS Evening News

5) Late-night comics doing a much more effective job of bashing the President anyway

2) No credibility at CBS News left for him to destroy

3) Wants to spend more time at 60 Minutes working on his first loves: investigative reporting and Morley Safer

2) Recent events have made his dream of finally playing for the Indiana Pacers closer to reality

1) When you start actually needing to use all the pharmaceutical products advertised during the network news, it's time to go

Ozzy Robbed
Ozzy Osbourne tried to fight off a burglar in his English country mansion but he escaped with a large amount of jewelry. Experts say Ozzy could have subdued the man if he had just breathed on him.

Terror and Kids
Critics are attacking a new ad campaign from the Department of Homeland Security that urges parents to inform their kids about terrorism. But experts say it's okay to tell children the terrorists are out there, but under no circumstances should we terrify our kids by letting them know about the existence of Congress.

RNC Lawsuit
A federal lawsuit has been brought against New York City by protesters during the Republican National Convention who say they were arrested and hoarded into a dangerously crowded room without access to food, water, or bathrooms. Actually, it's not clear if the suit has been filed by the demonstrators or people who have to ride the subway every morning.

Bush in Colombia
President Bush says he regrets he could only spend 4 hours in Colombia yesterday. The President says he had hoped to stay longer to talk about fighting terror, work on trade agreements, and he really wanted to visited the coca bean fields he "personally endowed" in the 1970's.

Thanksgiving Blessings
Most Americans are thankful this holiday that they don't have to be fighting in Iraq like our brave soldiers. Of course the best part about not being in the armed forces is you don't have to worry about President Bush showing up unannounced to serve you a Turkey.

Top 5 REAL Reasons Why Charlie Bell is Stepping Down as McDonald's CEO

5) Every time he buys a new yacht, salesman snidely asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

4) Doesn't want to be responsible for the deaths of millions of Americans due to obesity and heart disease... oh wait, he already is

3) Knowing all the ingredients to the secret sauce is a responsibility just too awesome to handle

2) President Bush's re-election victory probably means they'll have to bring back the costly "McRib"

1) After a while, finding a new choking hazard toy to put in the Happy Meals each month gets a little tiring

Monday, November 22, 2004

Player Suspensions
The NBA has taken the extreme step of suspending Pacers' star Ron Artest for the rest of the season because of Friday's night near-riot on the court in Detroit. But the league is giving the fans involved in the fight an even more severe punishment: season tickets to the Knicks.

Peterson Trial
After being found guilty of killing his pregnant wife and unborn son, the penalty phase in Scott Peterson's trial begins today. Experts believe he could get the death penalty, but will avoid the most severe punishment of being banned for the rest of the NBA season.

NYC Olympic Bid
New York City leaders are now making their final push for the Summer Olympics in 2012. They're reminding everyone that the games would create new parks and housing, expand the subways, and finally bring people to the city who understand what the Hell the cab drivers are saying.

JFK Reloaded
A new video game that allows players to re-enact the assassination of President John F. Kennedy is now on sale. Previously, the only way you could take shots at JFK was to get a job writing editorials for the New York Post.

Iraq Debt
The world's leading nations have agreed to forgive 80% of Iraq's outstanding debt, but that's leading to mixed results. Iraq's economy will improve, but now Donald Trump wants to run for president of that country.

Rhodes Winners
32 top American college students have won Rhodes Scholarships and will attend Britain's Oxford University next year. Experts hope that each of the winners will use their expertise in science, literature, and philosophy to explain to the Europeans how the Hell George W. Bush got re-elected

Strange Amendment
An provision in the current spending bill giving Republican Senator Ted Stevens and Republican Congressman Bill Young the right to personally review any American's tax returns is being attacked by politicians and civil libertarians everywhere. Actually, the angriest people about the measure are Senator Stevens and Congressman Young, who insist that if they wanted to do the kind of hard work it takes to understand tax returns, they obviously wouldn't be in Congress.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

RADIO ALERT!! I'm being interviewed on WBCQ radio tomorrow, (Sunday), night at 9pm! Just logon to this site to hear it on the web: WWW.RADIONEWYORKINTERNATIONAL.COM

Motown Melee
Several spectators at last night's Detroit Pistons game got into a punch-throwing, chair-tossing fight with some of the players for the visiting Indiana Pacers. Police say the fans were all obviously deranged, not because of the fight, but because they paid more than $100 each to see a regular season NBA game in November.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Bush Kisses
President Bush was very friendly with the two women he nominated for cabinet posts this week, kissing Condoleezza Rice twice and kissing Margaret Spellings on the lips. If that's how he shows his gratitude to them, we really don't want to know how he's thanking Karl Rove.

Sports-Sex Poll
A new poll by GQ magazine reveals that one in five American men has turned down sex to watch sports. That's opposed to Monday Night Football viewers who this week were forced to turn down sports and watch sex.

Gay Pig
A farmer in Bulgaria is suing a pig breeder, claiming the 220 pound boar he sold him was gay. The breeder says the claim is ridiculous, especially since everyone knows the only 220 pound gay pig in the world is Elton John.

New Security Chief?
Insiders say New York Governor George Pataki is likely to become the new Homeland Security Secretary. So apparently, our new strategy is to bore the terrorists to death.

Iran Nukes
Colin Powell says the United States has information that Iran is seeking to adapt its missiles to carry nuclear warheads. Isn't that nice?... even though Powell is quitting, he's giving the Bush administration one more war for the road!

South Carolina Discovery
Artifacts found in South Carolina indicate that modern humans inhabited North America as long as 50,000 years ago, a discovery that challenges long-held theories on the migration of early man. Well, it's either that or the archaelogists forgot that most people in South Carolina today still look like they're living in pre-historic conditions.

Seinfeld DVD
A launch party for the new "Seinfeld" DVD set was held this week in New York. The party was attended by the three people on Earth who can't find "Seinfeld" re-runs playing on TV 24 hours a day.

Gates Email
Micrsoft chairman Bill Gates is one of the most "spammed" people in the world, getting almost 4 million e-mails a day... and you thought there was no justice in the world!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: NEWSDAY

LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!! MY CNN colleagues here in New York can see me TONIGHT at the annual CNN party at "Show." I'll be competing for a $12,000 1st prize, so please come and cheer me on!

Experts are now saying the Kmart-Sears deal will make the combined company the nation's #3 retailer, and the #1 place to find cheap crap.

Bush on Rice
When George Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State, he said that she would show "America's face to the world." That's opposed to the President himself, who shows America's ass to the world.

Powell's Mark
Colin Powell may be best remembered at the State Department for removing the men's urinals from the ladies rooms in the building... which is too bad, since Condoleezza Rice probably prefers using a urinal.

Tuition Fundraiser
An English college student is trying to pay her tuition by offering men 15 minute sessions with her 32 C breasts. Educators are shocked and are reminding the student that showing your breasts is how you get an "A" in college classes, not how you pay for them

Breast-Fed Dog
A woman in New Zealand says she's breastfeeding her puppy because she wants it to protect her baby daughter as they both grow up. But experts say using her breasts is the way a woman gets her husband to agree to protect the children, not the dog.

Minnelli Responds
Liza Minnelli says her longtime bodyguard, M'Hammed Soumayah, has violated his promise to never reveal sordid secretes of the star's life. But Soumayah says that he did nothing of the sort, because everyone already knew she was a fat drunk.

Surprise Donation
The University of Great Falls in Montana has received a 2.3 million dollar donation from the will of a former janitor who worked in the dormitory at the school. The man reportedly made his fortune selling off all the crap everyone leaves behind in their rooms at the end of the semester.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Sears-Kmart Merger
Kmart is buying Sears in an $11 billion merger deal. Insiders say Kmart got the idea after seeing Martha Stewart using a Craftsman screwdriver to threaten one of her fellow inmates.

Sears-Kmart Merger II
Kmart is buying Sears in an $11 billion merger deal. Experts believe that their combined forces will finally be enough to bring back polyester pants.

New Burger
Hardee's has introduced a new hamburger called the "Monster Thickburger," which contains two 1/3 pound angus beef burgers, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, and has 1400 calories and 107 grams of fat. And the folks in the red states thought they'd have to wait a long time to be rewarded for re-electing President Bush!

Clinton Visit
Employees at a Little Rock, Arkansas office building, have been asked to leave their deer hunting rifles at home because former President Bill Clinton is coming to town for the opening of his presidential library. Actually, they can bring their rifles, it's better if they just leave their daughters at home.

Shark Attack
A great white shark ate a 77 year-old woman this week as she swam off a South African beach, leaving only her red bathing cap... proving that every living thing on Earth thinks those bathing caps are ugly.

Viagra Ad
Pfizer has agreed to pull its "wild thing" Viagra television after the FDA complained that they made the impotence drug sound like a "recreational sex aid." Similar, but not as hurtful, as the deception endured by Viagra users whose girlfriends told them their problem really "happens to lots of guys."

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Supreme Court Decision
The Supreme Court has decided to reverse the death penalty for a Texas man because of his extremely low I.Q. Of course the last time the justices showed clemency to a Texas man with low intelligence was when they let George W. Bush be President.

Bush Health Care
President Bush says improving health care for all Americans will be the top priority for his second term. That's mostly because he desperately needs to find a way to keep Dick Cheney alive to do all the work for another 4 years.

CIA Resignations
Two top officials at the CIA resigned this weekend. But we are talking about the CIA, so it's possible the agency just can't find them.

MTV In Africa
MTV will soon be allowed to broadcast in Africa. It's a move welcomed by African political leaders, who can't wait to copy American politicians and blame the network for every crime and incident of violence for the next 25 years.

Safire Quits
New York Times editorial columnist and Bush supporter William Safire is retiring in January. Safire is going to write a book about the most important lessons he learned while working at the Times for 30 years, which means it'll be about coping with loneliness.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Powell Gone
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced his resignation today. But since Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfled never really let him do his job anyway, the news is not expected to have any effect.

Powell Gone II
Colin Powell submitted his resignation Monday as Secretary of State, but will stay on until someone with just as good name recognition, but without any respect for himself, is confirmed.

Powell Replacement
Condolezza Rice is expected to replace Powell as Secretary of State. Experts say that's because she is the best at helping President Bush find all those foreign countries on the map.

Mass Resignations
Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham, Education Secretary Rod Paige and Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman also quit today, but they all are sure to find excellent jobs in the private sector. That's because by keeping quiet while their fellow cabinet members misled the whole country, they proved they could fit in perfectly as new board members at Tyco, Enron and Martha Stewart Living.

Cuban Defection
44 Cuban dancers defected to the U.S. after a performace at the Stardust Casino in Nevada last night. This means after years of being degraded and paid little money in Havana, they will all now have the right to be degraded and paid little money in Las Vegas.

Fewer Executions
The number of prisoners being put to death in the U.S. has fallen to a 30-year low. Experts say with Republicans winning so many elections these days, they just don't need to order up as many executions to whip up public support anymore.

Miami Tasers
Florida residents are outraged that police have used tasers on two elementary school children in the past week. The public is shocked that the cops would enter a public school without a more lethal weapon.

Florida Results
Election officials in Florida certified that George Bush won the state by 381,000 votes Sunday with little confusion or controversy... with the exception of the millions of Americans who still want to know what the Hell all those people who voted for Bush were thinking.

Casino Cash
Police in Louisiana say a bag of money stolen from a casino was eventually found by a group of beavers, who used the money to make a dam. The beavers all had their legs broken a few days later.

Cruise's Goal
Tom Cruise reportedly wants to climb Mount Everest once he finishes shooting his new movie "Mission: Impossible III"... which will leave him slightly less drained than everyone who actually sees "Mission: Impossible III"

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Web Alert!!
I have a great new full-length satirical story in the Fake News! Here's the link: The Fake News

Specter's Fight
Senator Arlen Specter is facing a hard challenge from his fellow Republicans as he seeks to become the new Chairman of the Senate Judiciary committee. While some conservatives are dismayed by the conflict, most Americans are relieved to know that even with the Democrats resoundingly defeated, politics in Washington is still mostly about fighting.

ODB Dies
Rapper "Old Dirty Bastard," whose real name was Russell Jones, died Saturday at age 36. Americans are confused about the death since Jones was so young and most of us thought Old Dirty Bastard's real name was Dick Cheney.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Yasser Arafat's continued failure to personally groom a successor has raised the danger of factional conflict among Palestinians. Although it's not expected to cause as much trouble as his continued failure to do any personal grooming.

Post-Arafat II
Palestinian leaders named Mahmoud Abbas to replace Yasser Arafat as the new chairman of the PLO, Rawhi Pattouh replaces him as the new Palestinian president, and Liza Minnelli will replace Suha Arafat as the new fat and drunken Palestinian First Lady.

Arafat Funeral
Yasser Arafat's funeral was held today in Egypt, where the Palestinian leader was born... and in Gaza, where the Palestinian leader was also born... and in Jerusalem, where the Palestinian leader was also born...

Comedy in Class
As part of the New York Comedy Festival, comedians will work as teachers at five public high schools today. Students are excited about being entertained, but they're mostly looking forward to the two drink minimum.

Kinsey Movie
A new movie about sex expert Dr. Alfred Kinsey is drawing huge controversy. Religious groups are protesting the fact that the film doesn't portray Kinsey's apparent tolerance for pedophiles, and Michael Jackson is protesting the fact that the film doesn't portray Kinsey's apparent tolerance for pedophiles.

High School Test
New York says it may have to cancel all G.E.D. exams starting in January, unless it finds $2 million to pay for the test. Luckily, the same kids who swiped last year's biology final are now selling some copies of the G.E.D. for just $50.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Arafat Dead
Yasser Arafat has finally passed away. In lieu of flowers, Palestinian leaders are asking their people to recklessly shoot their guns in the air or blow themselves up.

Arafat Dead II
Yasser Arafat truly represented the state of his people. No other individual so embodied the Palestinians' plight, their statelessness, their lack of shaving.

World Reaction
France is honoring Yasser Arafat's lifelong struggles. French leaders say they admired how Arafat always reminded them about the Palestinian cause, the need for human rights, and how to blame everything on the Jews.

World Reaction II
Oil-rich Arab leaders are also mourning Arafat's death. That's because from now on, if they want to keep throwing their money at reckless causes they'll just have to invest in tech stocks.

Veterans Day
In honor of Veterans Day, President Bush laid a wreath at the "Tomb of the Unknowns" at Arlington National Cemetery this morning. It was a special moment for Mr. Bush, because In addition to the remains of unidentified soldiers killed in each of America's wars, the tomb now also contains most of the President's missing National Guard service records.

Private Ryan Pulled
Several ABC stations in the South and Midwest will not air tonight's Veterans Day broadcast of "Saving Private Ryan." The stations apparently object to the film's graphic violence, coarse language, and the fact that it all takes place in France.

Minnelli Sued
Liza Minnelli's longtime bodyguard, M'Hammed Soumayah, is suing the singer for harassment, claiming she forced him to have sex with her. But now that Soumayah has forced us all to imagine Minnelli having sex, millions of Americans are considering suing him for harassment.

Foreign Drivers
The Supreme Court has ruled that drunk driving is not a crime for which an immigrant can be deported. The decision is being hailed by civil rights groups, immigrant community leaders, and every cab driver in New York City.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Top 5 Reasons to Have a Child At 57 (I know Letterman did this last night, but here's my take)

5) After a while, you can share diapers

4) Good way to make sure there are enough new workers to pay for your social security

3) Won't be as embarrassing when you have to buy baby food and pudding all the time

2) You and your kids both get discounted movie tickets!

1) Only way to make sure you'll never spoil your grandchildren

Arafat Still Not Dead
Yasser Arafat remains in a deep coma as Palestinians continue to wait for his inevitable demise. It's hard to tell who's having a longer death watch this fall, Arafat or the Miami Dolphins.

Miracle Pill
The good news is doctors say they've created a pill that's guaranteed to help you lose weight and stop smoking. The bad news is the pill is called "cyanide."

Clarett Allegations
Former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett now says he was given cash, free cars, and took no-show jobs while at the school. Experts say Clarett may not be ready for the NFL, but he's clearly qualified for a career in politics.

Wannstedt Quits
Miami Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt resigned today. Wannstedt may not be able to get another NFL job, but his track record of bringing elderly Jewish men to tears makes him a shoo-in to replace Yasser Arafat at the Palestinian Authority.

Where is the Enemy?
U.S. troops attacking Fallujah haven't been able to find many insurgents so far, and it's feared they may have fled to other areas. The Marines may now need to deploy more forces to other hostile cities like Tikrit, al-Najaf, and Detroit.

Bush Visits Troops
President Bush made a special trip to Walter Reed Hospital yesterday to visit with troops wounded in Iraq... come on, haven't these guys suffered enough already?!?

Florida Newspaper Mistake
A Florida newspaper accidentally published a phone sex number instead of the number for the national voter hotline on election day. Of course, voting in Florida and calling a sex phone line both leave you feeling pretty degraded.

Prison Break
Massachusetts' highest security prison was locked down yesterday after a prisoner scaled a twelve-foot overhang and remained there for more than an hour. But the inmate eventually climbed down when he realized that it was better to stay in prison at least until President Bush is out of office.

New Pill
A new pill made by NitroMed dramatically reduced deaths among Black men with heart disease. In order to make sure the medication is exclusively taken by Blacks, the company will offer the pill in menthol flavor only.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

New Wal-Marts
Wal-Mart has announced plans to open another 15 stores in China this year. But when Wal-Mart opens a store in China, shouldn't it really be called a factory outlet?

Marsh & McLennan Layoffs
Insurance giant Marsh & McLennan is laying off 3,000 employees. The company says its executives will feel much more comfortable taking kickbacks with fewer people around.

9/11 Study
A new study shows the total cost of the 9/11 Attacks was 2,976 deaths, $38 billion, and four more years of George W. Bush.

Older Pregnancy
Aleta St. James, a 57 year-old woman in New York, is expecting the birth of twins this week. The incident is not really that unusual, because you have to wait until you're 57 to save up enough money to raise a kid these days.

Fallujah Attacks
The first building American troops stormed during their new offensive in Fallujah was the local hospital. Apparently, the local patients weren't willing to make their co-payments or fill out their insurance forms.

Dean DNC
Former Presidential candidate Howard Dean is making a bid to become the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Experts say Dean is the perfect person to lead the Democrats' push for cheaper prescription psychiatric drugs.

Top 5 Gifts Palestinian Leaders Brought to Yasser & Suha Arafat During Today's Hospital Visit

5) New electric razor with no blades

4) New vest and belt (for Suha only)

3) Leather-bound edition of the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" (extra copy for the French doctors)

2) Super-popular "Rock Throw Your Way to a Slimmer You" workout video

1) Chia-Pet

Monday, November 08, 2004

In an effort to reunite the country, President Bush is making a special effort to reach out to all the younger Americans who voted against him and now say they want to leave the country... he's sending them to Iraq

Suha's Rant
Yasser Arafat's wife Suha told Al-Jazeera TV that the other Palestinian leaders are trying to "bury Arafat alive." But Palestinian spokesmen say Suha's fears are obviously unfounded, since everyone knows they only do that to Israelis.

Gay Marriage Ban
Now that he's won re-election, President Bush says he will continue to make a very strong effort to ban gay marriage during his second term. Experts say that's the President isn't really against giving gays civil rights, he just wants to make sure his affection and gratitude for Karl Rove doesn't go too far.

Hinckley Leave
The man who shot President Reagan, John Hinckley, is asking for more unsupervised leaves from his mental hospital. The Reagan family is opposed to the request, doctors think it's a good idea, and liberals favor the plan as long Hinckley gets to spend all the time near the White House and Crawford, Texas.

Creationism in the Schools
"Science" classes that reject the theory of evolution are now being taught in Wisconsin public schools. Liberals dropped their opposition to the classes when they realized that if humans really were the result of the survival of the fittest, than there's no way President Bush could have been re-elected.

SBC Sheds Jobs
SBC Communications says it will start massive job cuts in January. The company says this is the best time to make the announcement since it's changing its business model, needs to beat its competitors, and it's too late for the 10,000 newly-unemployed workers to take back their votes for President Bush.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

I have a great new satirical piece about the first real crisis of the new Bush administration on The Fake News! Here's the link: The Fake News

Friday, November 05, 2004

Great Divide
President Bush' s re-election thanks to religious voters is actually helping to unite the country after all. That's because with four more years of Bush on the way, now all the liberals are praying for salvation too.

Top 5 Ways President Bush Can Unite a Divided America

5) Hide Dick Cheney's heart medication

4) Fill open cabinet posts with popular cast members from the "Apprentice"

3) Bond with losing Democratic candidates and start drinking heavily again

2) Replace efforts to ban gay marriage with new amendment banning J. Lo's next marriage

1) Pull troops out of Iraq, then invade France

Bush on Arafat
President Bush said yesterday that his first reaction after hearing of Yasser Arafat's imminent death was to say "God Bless his Soul." Actually, his first reaction was to say: "I hope the new guy's name won't be too hard to pronounce."

Arafat Confusion
Two U.S. diplomats say Yasser Arafat really is dead, but no one will declare him dead out of respect for Palestinian custom. But it's not clear which custom they're talking about; the practice of burying someone no more than 24 hours after a death, or the custom of carrying out a revenge bombing no more than 12 hours after a death.

"The Incredibles" Opens
Pixar's new movie "The Incredibles" is all about a hopelessly overweight former super hero who comes out of retirement to save the world. Democrats hope the film will serve as an inspiration for Bill Clinton.

Peterson Jury Still Out
Even though the prosecution did a good job showing that Scott Peterson murdered his wife, the jury has not yet delivered a verdict. Experts say that's because some of the religious jurors are willing to ignore all that because of Peterson's strong stand against gay marriage.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: NEWSDAY

Top 5 Things John Kerry Can Do During the Next 4 Years

5) Appear in ads for Viagra/Botox combo deal with Bob Dole

4) Look for richer wife

3) Hunt down and kill the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth"

2) Explore possible job opening with the Palestinian Authority

1) Could just focus on working harder in the Senate... ah who are we kidding?!?!

Bush Agenda
Now that he's proved his point by winning a clear re-election victory, President Bush can finally do what he's wanted to do all along... he's quitting.

Top 5 Ways Bush Administration and Republican Congress Will Reward the Solid South in the Next 4 Years

5) Make all tickets to Nascar events tax deductible

4) Force cancellation of "The West Wing" on NBC, replace with re-runs of "Hee-Haw"

3) Flood region with unneeded pork barrel projects at the expense of decaying Northeastern population centers... oh wait, they've done that already!!

2) Legally bar Dolly Parton from having her planned breast reduction surgery

1) New policy initiative: "No Homosexual Left Alone"

LA Airport Disturbance
Flights were delayed for hours at LAX yesterday after a crazed naked man sprinted onto the tarmac and attempted to climb into the wheel well of a 747. Okay, which one of you wise guys told Howard Dean the election results?

Arafat in a Coma
Yasser Arafat is now in a coma, leaving the Palestinian people with a President who is unable to make any real decisions... kind of like what Americans will be dealing with for the next four years.

YASSER IN A COMA (for fans of the Smiths & Morrissey)

Yasser in a coma I know, I know he's delirious
The peace process may start again, this is serious

There were times when we could have murdered him
But now it's better that something's just happening to him

No we DON'T want to see him

Do you really think he won't pull through?
Do you really think he's finally through?

Yasser in a coma I know, I know it's serious
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye

There were times when we could have strangled him
But you know then the whole world would call it a sin
Do you really think Abbas will pull through ?
Do you really think he'll stop Hamas from killing the Jews?
Let me whisper my last goodbyes

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Bush has won, so let's give him our prayers and hopes for a better 4 years to come.

But that also means 4 more years of stuff like this:

Bush Wins
President Bush's re-election victory has members of his administration thinking about what they can achieve in the next four years. Colin Powell hopes to re-open diplomatic channels with European countries, John Ashcroft is researching new ways to defeat domestic terrorism, and Vice President Cheney is looking up new curse words to use on Democratic Senators.

Bush Wins II
ANNOUNCER: "Hey President Bush! You plunged the economy into a tailspin, put America into an endless war in Iraq, bitterly divided the country on religious grounds, and you still won re-election. What are you going do next?"

BUSH: "I'm gonna blow up Disney World!"

Obama Wins
ANNOUNCER: "Hey, Barack Obama! You've just won your senate race by a landslide and are a new rising star for the Democrats! How do you feel?

OBAMA: "Lonely."

No Attacks
Despite some fears, there were no terrorist attacks at any voting centers. Experts say the terrorists may have scouted out some polling places, but were probably scared off by all the lawyers.

Mixed News
Most Southerners are rejoicing this morning thanks to President Bush's victory, but there is also sobering news that's shaking their society to its very foundations; Dolly Parton is having breast reduction surgery.

Dolly Effect?
News that Dolly Parton is having breast reduction surgery is leading some to believe that she could be starting a major trend. But experts say President Bush's re-election victory proves big boobs will always be popular in this country.

No Florida Problems
The clear margin of victory and the lack of voting problems in Florida was good news for most of the nation, except for thousands of elderly couples in Ft. Lauderdale who can forget getting an extra phone call from their grandchildren this week.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Election Day
Election day is finally here. The total media obsession with the campaign has been great practice for when the Michael Jackson trial finally starts.

Election Day II
18 to 24 year old voters could make the difference if they show up to vote today. The best way to explain the process to them is to say that the election is like "American Idol," but the winner actually has no real talent... oh wait, it's EXACTLY like "American Idol."

Election Day III
The huge voter turnout is causing a lot of confusion across the country, especially in New York where all the long lines have many voters thinking they've accidentally gone to the DMV.

Calling the Winners
After the 2000 election fiasco, all the TV networks are instituting new rules for calling the winners in each race. For the Presidential election, they will only call a winner until all the polls have closed in each state. For the governor's races, they will only call a winner when exit polls show a clear leader. And in the senate race in Illinois, the networks are being especially nice as they promise not to declare Barack Obama the winner until after Alan Keyes gets a chance to cast his vote this morning.

Closing Rallies
John Kerry wrapped up his campaign last night with a rally in Cleveland with a performance by Bruce Springsteen. President Bush's closing rally in Texas featured the Oak Ridge Boys... and Ralph Nader completed his campaign at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike with a live concert by Weird Al Yankovic.

Osama's Message
Osama bin Laden now says his group's goal is to force America into bankruptcy. Too bad Osama... Enron, Tyco, and all the tech stocks beat you too it a long time ago.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Ohio Ruling
Two federal judges in Ohio are barring Republican campaign workers from showing up to challenge and harass voters at polling places. Not because of any constitutional issues, it's just that the TV crews and the exit pollsters already called "first dibs" on challenging and harassing the voters.

Osama Tape
In his latest taped message, Osama bin Laden insisted that the fate of America was not in the hands of either President Bush or John Kerry. So, even he knows this election is getting decided in the courts!

Arafat Incoherent
After meeting with his wife, Suha, witnesses say Yasser Arafat still seemed confused and incoherent. But experts say Arafat always acts that way when he's around someone he really doesn't know.

Music Poll
A new poll shows that people who like country music songs favor President Bush over John Kerry by 61% to 39%. But people whose lives sound like country music songs favor John Kerry by 75% to 25%.

Wal-Mart Poll
A new poll shows that people who live near a Wal-Mart favor President Bush 55% to 45%. But people who work at Wal-Mart favor John Kerry by 80% to 20%.

Starbucks Poll
A new poll shows that people who live near a Starbucks coffee shop favor John Kerry by 54% to 46%. But people who think paying $8 for a cup of Starbucks coffee is okay favor President Bush 65% to 35%.

Scary Night
Tonight, many American homes will be visited by some of the most frightening creatures imaginable... and after the campaign workers leave, the trick-or-treaters will be coming by.

Arafat Incoherent
After meeting with his wife, Suha, witnesses say Yasser Arafat still seemed confused and incoherent. But Arafat always acts that way when he's around someone he really doesn't know.

Osama Tape
In his latest taped message, Osama bin Laden mocked President Bush for continuing to read a children's book to pre-schoolers for several minutes after he learned of the September 11th attacks. That criticism is prompting Mr. Bush to say he's more determined to catch bin Laden, and it's prompting Michael Moore to say he's going to sue bin Laden for stealing his ideas!