WEB ALERT!! I have a new satirical story published on the Enduring Vision web site. Here's the link: Enduring Vision

Top 5 Accomplishments of Outgoing Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge

5) Made NYC subway cars safe enough to urinate on again

4) made sure the 19 suicide bombers behind 9/11 haven't committed even one attack since then

3) Made it acceptable to look like the kid from Bob's Big Boy (see what I mean: Bob's Big Boy)

2) Helped duct tape investors avoid overall stock market downturn

1) Teenage boys no longer have to surf the web to see women undressing in public... now they just have to go to the airport


Bush Visits Canada
As he visits Canada today, President Bush faces serious challenges because of a continuing international crisis that has turned almost every Canadian against the United States... but enough about the NHL lockout.

Top 5 Things President Bush can do to Ease Tensions During His Visit to Canada

5) Remember to keep his speeches short, especially since he doesn't speak Canadian

4) Remind Canadians that with the hockey season canceled, the only place to see a bunch of toothless goons killing each other is in Iraq

3) Show the world his confidence in Canada's free medical care, and reduce the U.S. budget deficit, by shipping Dick Cheney to Ottawa

2) Assure everyone that he's only against gay marriage in the U.S., not Canada... where everyone seems kinda gay anyway

1) Lend Prime Minister Martin Karl Rove for election time

Al Qaeda Tape
In a tape made before the election, al Qaeda's #2 Aymin al Zawahiri tells Americans that nothing will change no matter if we vote for "Bush, Kerry or Satan himself." Apparently, al Zawahiri thought Tom DeLay was also running for President