Top 5 REAL Reasons Dan Rather is Quitting as Anchor of the CBS Evening News

5) Late-night comics doing a much more effective job of bashing the President anyway

2) No credibility at CBS News left for him to destroy

3) Wants to spend more time at 60 Minutes working on his first loves: investigative reporting and Morley Safer

2) Recent events have made his dream of finally playing for the Indiana Pacers closer to reality

1) When you start actually needing to use all the pharmaceutical products advertised during the network news, it's time to go


Ozzy Robbed
Ozzy Osbourne tried to fight off a burglar in his English country mansion but he escaped with a large amount of jewelry. Experts say Ozzy could have subdued the man if he had just breathed on him.

Terror and Kids
Critics are attacking a new ad campaign from the Department of Homeland Security that urges parents to inform their kids about terrorism. But experts say it's okay to tell children the terrorists are out there, but under no circumstances should we terrify our kids by letting them know about the existence of Congress.

RNC Lawsuit
A federal lawsuit has been brought against New York City by protesters during the Republican National Convention who say they were arrested and hoarded into a dangerously crowded room without access to food, water, or bathrooms. Actually, it's not clear if the suit has been filed by the demonstrators or people who have to ride the subway every morning.

Bush in Colombia
President Bush says he regrets he could only spend 4 hours in Colombia yesterday. The President says he had hoped to stay longer to talk about fighting terror, work on trade agreements, and he really wanted to visited the coca bean fields he "personally endowed" in the 1970's.

Thanksgiving Blessings
Most Americans are thankful this holiday that they don't have to be fighting in Iraq like our brave soldiers. Of course the best part about not being in the armed forces is you don't have to worry about President Bush showing up unannounced to serve you a Turkey.

Top 5 REAL Reasons Why Charlie Bell is Stepping Down as McDonald's CEO

5) Every time he buys a new yacht, salesman snidely asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

4) Doesn't want to be responsible for the deaths of millions of Americans due to obesity and heart disease... oh wait, he already is

3) Knowing all the ingredients to the secret sauce is a responsibility just too awesome to handle

2) President Bush's re-election victory probably means they'll have to bring back the costly "McRib"

1) After a while, finding a new choking hazard toy to put in the Happy Meals each month gets a little tiring