Player Suspensions
The NBA has taken the extreme step of suspending Pacers' star Ron Artest for the rest of the season because of Friday's night near-riot on the court in Detroit. But the league is giving the fans involved in the fight an even more severe punishment: season tickets to the Knicks.

Peterson Trial
After being found guilty of killing his pregnant wife and unborn son, the penalty phase in Scott Peterson's trial begins today. Experts believe he could get the death penalty, but will avoid the most severe punishment of being banned for the rest of the NBA season.

NYC Olympic Bid
New York City leaders are now making their final push for the Summer Olympics in 2012. They're reminding everyone that the games would create new parks and housing, expand the subways, and finally bring people to the city who understand what the Hell the cab drivers are saying.

JFK Reloaded
A new video game that allows players to re-enact the assassination of President John F. Kennedy is now on sale. Previously, the only way you could take shots at JFK was to get a job writing editorials for the New York Post.

Iraq Debt
The world's leading nations have agreed to forgive 80% of Iraq's outstanding debt, but that's leading to mixed results. Iraq's economy will improve, but now Donald Trump wants to run for president of that country.

Rhodes Winners
32 top American college students have won Rhodes Scholarships and will attend Britain's Oxford University next year. Experts hope that each of the winners will use their expertise in science, literature, and philosophy to explain to the Europeans how the Hell George W. Bush got re-elected

Strange Amendment
An provision in the current spending bill giving Republican Senator Ted Stevens and Republican Congressman Bill Young the right to personally review any American's tax returns is being attacked by politicians and civil libertarians everywhere. Actually, the angriest people about the measure are Senator Stevens and Congressman Young, who insist that if they wanted to do the kind of hard work it takes to understand tax returns, they obviously wouldn't be in Congress.