Top 5 Reasons to Have a Child At 57 (I know Letterman did this last night, but here's my take)

5) After a while, you can share diapers

4) Good way to make sure there are enough new workers to pay for your social security

3) Won't be as embarrassing when you have to buy baby food and pudding all the time

2) You and your kids both get discounted movie tickets!

1) Only way to make sure you'll never spoil your grandchildren


Arafat Still Not Dead
Yasser Arafat remains in a deep coma as Palestinians continue to wait for his inevitable demise. It's hard to tell who's having a longer death watch this fall, Arafat or the Miami Dolphins.

Miracle Pill
The good news is doctors say they've created a pill that's guaranteed to help you lose weight and stop smoking. The bad news is the pill is called "cyanide."

Clarett Allegations
Former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett now says he was given cash, free cars, and took no-show jobs while at the school. Experts say Clarett may not be ready for the NFL, but he's clearly qualified for a career in politics.

Wannstedt Quits
Miami Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt resigned today. Wannstedt may not be able to get another NFL job, but his track record of bringing elderly Jewish men to tears makes him a shoo-in to replace Yasser Arafat at the Palestinian Authority.

Where is the Enemy?
U.S. troops attacking Fallujah haven't been able to find many insurgents so far, and it's feared they may have fled to other areas. The Marines may now need to deploy more forces to other hostile cities like Tikrit, al-Najaf, and Detroit.

Bush Visits Troops
President Bush made a special trip to Walter Reed Hospital yesterday to visit with troops wounded in Iraq... come on, haven't these guys suffered enough already?!?

Florida Newspaper Mistake
A Florida newspaper accidentally published a phone sex number instead of the number for the national voter hotline on election day. Of course, voting in Florida and calling a sex phone line both leave you feeling pretty degraded.

Prison Break
Massachusetts' highest security prison was locked down yesterday after a prisoner scaled a twelve-foot overhang and remained there for more than an hour. But the inmate eventually climbed down when he realized that it was better to stay in prison at least until President Bush is out of office.

New Pill
A new pill made by NitroMed dramatically reduced deaths among Black men with heart disease. In order to make sure the medication is exclusively taken by Blacks, the company will offer the pill in menthol flavor only.