NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: NEWSDAY


Top 5 Things John Kerry Can Do During the Next 4 Years

5) Appear in ads for Viagra/Botox combo deal with Bob Dole

4) Look for richer wife

3) Hunt down and kill the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth"

2) Explore possible job opening with the Palestinian Authority

1) Could just focus on working harder in the Senate... ah who are we kidding?!?!

Bush Agenda
Now that he's proved his point by winning a clear re-election victory, President Bush can finally do what he's wanted to do all along... he's quitting.

Top 5 Ways Bush Administration and Republican Congress Will Reward the Solid South in the Next 4 Years

5) Make all tickets to Nascar events tax deductible

4) Force cancellation of "The West Wing" on NBC, replace with re-runs of "Hee-Haw"

3) Flood region with unneeded pork barrel projects at the expense of decaying Northeastern population centers... oh wait, they've done that already!!

2) Legally bar Dolly Parton from having her planned breast reduction surgery

1) New policy initiative: "No Homosexual Left Alone"

LA Airport Disturbance
Flights were delayed for hours at LAX yesterday after a crazed naked man sprinted onto the tarmac and attempted to climb into the wheel well of a 747. Okay, which one of you wise guys told Howard Dean the election results?

Arafat in a Coma
Yasser Arafat is now in a coma, leaving the Palestinian people with a President who is unable to make any real decisions... kind of like what Americans will be dealing with for the next four years.

YASSER IN A COMA (for fans of the Smiths & Morrissey)

Yasser in a coma I know, I know he's delirious
The peace process may start again, this is serious

There were times when we could have murdered him
But now it's better that something's just happening to him

No we DON'T want to see him

Do you really think he won't pull through?
Do you really think he's finally through?

Yasser in a coma I know, I know it's serious
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye

There were times when we could have strangled him
But you know then the whole world would call it a sin
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE BOMBING?
Do you really think Abbas will pull through ?
Do you really think he'll stop Hamas from killing the Jews?
Let me whisper my last goodbyes
I know - IT'S SERIOUS