Top 5 New Hopeless Causes Boston Fans Can Adopt Now that the Red Sox are Champs

5) Donald Trump's hair

4) Clinton fidelity

3) Finishing the "Big Dig"

2) Middle East peace

1) Nader Campaign

Bush Excuse
President Bush says the mysterious bulge in the back of his suit coat during the first presidential debate was the result of "a poorly tailored shirt."... and by that he meant a poorly tailored shirt that failed to cover the transmitter taped to his back.

Death Wish
A Houston man who recently died, but was a big supporter of President Bush, listed in his will that in lieu of flowers, people should just vote for Bush in November. Well, sure, he won't have to live with Bush for another four years so what does he care?!?

New Kojack
Actor Ving Rhames will star as Kojak in a remake of the classic TV series for USA Network. The entire first season of the show will deal with explaining how a Black man has a Polish last name.

Arafat Sick
PLO leaders say Yasser Arafat won't be moved to a foreign hospital because his Palestinians doctors know their patient best. But experts say physicians familiar with Arafat don't actually administer any different medical treatment, they're just the only ones who know that when you treat him you have to demand cash payment up front.

Roberts in Bed
Julia Roberts was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital after experiencing early contractions, and doctors are advising that she remain in bed for the rest of her pregnancy. And fans of decent movie-making are advising that she remain in bed for the rest of her natural life.