NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!! I'll be back on stage at the NY Improv NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, OCTOBER 30TH!!! The show starts at 7pm. Here's the NY Improv web site: NY Improv

Red Sox Win!
The Yankees loss after owning a 3 games to none lead in the series is being called the biggest choke in sports history. But actually the biggest choke in sports history happened after the game when George Steinbrenner started strangling Joe Torre.

Red Sox Win! II
The good news for Red Sox fans is their team finally beat the Yankees and made playoff history. The bad news is that Satan is expecting payment on their agreement sometime before the end of the day.

Top 5 Other Unbelievable Things That May Happen Now that The Red Sox Have Beaten the Yankees

5) Mets will win one game

4) A completely foolish, unaccomplished tool of the international corporate powers will become President of the United States... oh wait, that's happened already

3) Hollywood will produce a movie where a man over 50 will actually have a love affair with a woman his age

2) Lucy will let Charlie Brown kick the ball

1) Alan Keyes will beat Barack Obama... oh geez, who am I kidding?

Cheney Flu Shot
Despite the nationwide shortage, Vice President Dick Cheney received a flu shot yesterday because doctors say essential government personnel need to get vaccinated. That's also the reason why President Bush isn't getting a shot this year.

Tenet's New Job
Former CIA Director George Tenet has accepted a teaching position at Georgetown University. Passing his class is expected to be easy, since he obviously doesn't know how to spot forged papers.

Bush Nascar
The Bush campaign will attend several Nascar races in the days before the election. The President's car will be easy to spot; it'll be the one with all the Halliburton stickers on it.

Rice Stumps for Bush
John Edwards is criticizing Condoleeza Rice for making several speeches in key swing states this month, saying, "it's not the job of America's military and security leaders to help get President Bush re-elected." The White angrily responded by saying: "Oh yes it is!"

No More Miss America
ABC says it will no longer broadcast the Miss America Pageant. The network says it already wasted too much time airing overly made-up people making empty statements when it broadcast the presidential debates.