NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

O'Reilly Accused
A female FOX News producer is accusing Bill O'Reilly of sexual harassment, including subjecting her to unwanted phone sex during the GOP Convention this summer. But O'Reilly's lawyers say the phone sex complaint during the convention is baseless, since everyone knows FOX News anchors often sound like they're sexually aroused when they cover Republican events.

Homosexuality a Choice?
During last night's debate both candidates were asked if Homosexuality is a choice. Well it isn't now, but it sure will be for lots of Americans if we reinstate the draft.

Job Re-Training
When asked what he would do for Americans who have lost their jobs, President Bush said he was working hard to see to it that they can go to college. Unfortunately, that college is the University of Baghdad.

Debate Wives
Both President Bush and John Kerry were asked to discuss the most important thing they get from their wives. President Bush thanked Laura for agreeing to make speeches for him on the campaign trail, and John Kerry thanked Teresa for agreeing to give him a bigger allowance.

FOX Upset
The FOX network is complaining about the fact that the presidential debates have been scheduled at the same time as some key baseball playoff games, thus hurting their ratings. And the Bush administration is complaining about the fact that the debates have been scheduled during the President's usual nap time, thus hurting his ratings.