UPDATE!!! It looks like a LIVE TV CREW will be covering the show on the 17th! So come on down and be famous!!!

Martha's New Life
The first words Martha Stewart heard this morning from her new chain gang boss were: "What we have here... is a failure to decorate."

Martha's New Life II
Martha Stewart will now be doing menial jobs in the prison for about 14 cents an hour... still better than what the people making her bed sheets earn per day in China.

Tax Cuts
Voters are wondering what the difference is between President Bush and John Kerry since they both supported the latest tax cut bill. For Bush, big tax cuts for the wealthy is a way of rewarding his core supporters -- for Kerry, big tax cuts for the wealthy means he'll be getting a better allowance from Teresa.

Depression Day
Yesterday was National Depression Screening Day, as screening stations were set up across the country to measure and treat people suffering from depression. Of course there already is a special time when we find out just how depressed Americans are... it's called "Election Day."

Limbo Description
The Pope has asked theologians to come up with "a more coherent and enlightened way" of describing the state of limbo between Heaven and Hell, which in Catholicism is where un-baptized babies go if they die. One attempt describes it like going to an amusement park... but it's the amusement park at Michael Jackson's house.

No Murders in Chicago
On Monday night, for the first time in five years, there were no murders or shootings in Chicago. But the city's murderers promise that as soon as they can stop laughing at Allen Keyes' senate candidacy, they'll get back to killing people as much as possible.

Black Couples
According to a new report, nearly half of Black same-sex couples have lived in the same residence for at least five years. Of course, if you were Black and gay, it's a good bet you wouldn't go out of the house too much either.

No WMD
A new report proves Saddam Hussein destroyed all of this weapons of mass destruction in 1991. But President Bush still refuses to apologize for invading Iraq, because he was still busy getting stoned and drunk in 1991 to realize what was going on.

Kid Movies
The good news is that a new company, KidPix Productions, is offering a new service which provides kids with everything they need to make their own movies. The bad news is that KidPix Productions is owned by Michael Jackson.

Bennington Nudity
Hundreds of Bennington College students are protesting for the right to be naked on campus. Since they go to the nation's most expensive school, the students feel that doing without adequate clothing is the best way to bond with their parents.