Debate Threat
During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is the President believes that terrorist network is CBS.

Debate Russia
In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always hates it when people steal his best ideas.

Debate Reaction
A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald Trump didn't fire anybody.

Women Athletes
According to a new study, by the year 2156, female athletes will have closed the gender gap enough so that they will be able to beat men in Olympic events. The news is shocking sports fans who can't believe it's going to take women more than 150 years just to get the same steroids the men are taking now.

Pacemaker Gorilla
Doctors in Alabama say they've completed a surgery that has made the local Zoo's resident ape the first gorilla to receive an advanced pacemaker. But if that's really true, it must mean that Dick Cheney's pacemaker is out of date.

Lennon Files
A federal judge ordered the U.S. government to hand over the secret files the FBI kept on John Lennon in the 1970's. But researchers are disappointed because the files have no information on why the Hell John stayed with Yoko for so long.