NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

VOTE FOR ME!! "Two Drink Minimum" is currently accepting nominations for the many Best of 2004 Awards categories. Simply e-mail your picks to editor@twodrinkmin.com with any subject line you like before 9 p.m. EST on Oct. 17. Please vote for me for "Best Web Site" and Most Intelligent Comic." Only one vote per e-mail address allowed.

Live Appearances Alert!! I have TWO big shows coming up in the next few weeks! The first show is at NY Improv on Saturday Night, October 2nd. The show starts at 6:30pm. PLEASE make a Reservation by calling 212 330 8263. Leave your name, number, the number of people in your party, the show you will be attending, and MY NAME so I get credit for your attendance! Your reservation will be confirmed just by leaving a message on the reservation line. Here's the web site for NY Improv: NY Improv

The second show is one I'm producing at Stand Up NY on Sunday Night, October 17th. This is a special night of POLITICAL COMEDY to help us all get through the election. You can call 212 595 0850 to make a reservation for that show, which starts at 7:30pm. Stand Up NY is located on West 78th Street and Broadway. Stand Up NY

Top 5 Reasons Shawn Green Should Sit out Both Games against San Francisco on Yom Kippur

5) Taking steroids while fasting can be dangerous

4) Local reform synagogue has a better organist than the one at Dodger Stadium

3) It's well past time for him to repent for those long sideburns

2) If you're weakened by not eating or drinking for 24 hours; it's best to only play against the Mets

1) It'll be an inspiration to millions of Jewish boys who could one day grow up to be his agent

Sox Partying
Boston city officials say this year, they'll stop the kind of raucous partying that occurred during the Red Sox postseason last year. But it's not clear what will kill the partying faster; city cops or the Sox bullpen.

Video Voyeurism
Congress has passed the video voyeurism law, making it a crime to photograph or videotape people for the purpose of embarrassing them. Well, I guess that means the Bush-Kerry debates will only be on the radio.

Allawi Address
Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is addressing a joint session of Congress today. He's expected to call for more military support, ask for humanitarian aid, and beg that they give his job to someone else.

McGreevey Push
Outgoing New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey is now calling for a law banning political contributors from doing business with the state... thus eliminating the only reason to contribute to a political campaign in New Jersey.

Cat Stevens Case
Several American security officials are outraged that singer Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam was allowed to board a flight to the U.S. in the first place. But they are not as outraged as music fans who can't understand why he wasn't stopped before he released his last album.