Bush Attacks Kerry
President Bush is attacking John Kerry's Senate record, saying "he can run, but he cannot hide." Now if the President would just start to think the same way about Osama bin Laden, maybe we'll catch him one of these days.

Obama-Keyes Debate
The first Illinois senate debate last night between Barack Obama and Alan Keyes was not televised. Obama didn't want his supporters to have to choose between watching him and seeing the baseball playoffs, and Keyes didn't want his supporters to have to choose between watching him and seeing the Virgin Mary.

Glass Ceiling Broken?
A new study shows a significantly rising number of corporations are finally hiring women to top executive positions. The good news about that is girls will now have a lot more role models in business, the bad news is that now we'll have to start building a lot more women's prisons.

Senator Closes Offices
Senator Mark Dayton of Minnesota says he's closing his Washington offices until after the election because he's worried about a possible terrorist attack. Great! Now not only is terrorism a scare tactic Politicians can use to get votes, but now they're using it as an excuse to take longer vacations too!

Health Chip
The Food and Drug Administration has approved an implantable computer chip that can pass a person's medical details to doctors, and help locate a patient anywhere in the world. Doctors love the idea, but not as much as the folks who collect hospital bills.

Britney Name Change
Britney Spears wants to use her new married name, Britney Federline, but she says she doesn't expect people to call her something new. And she's right, because no matter who she marries, most of us are just too used to calling her an idiot.

Coma Arrest
A Nevada man who emerged from a two-month coma was arrested immediately after regaining consciousness on several criminal charges. The story is providing hope that President Bush will also be made accountable one day if he ever wakes up.