Live Appearance Alert!!! I'll be back on stage at the NY Improv next Saturday October 30th. The show starts at 7pm. Here's the NY Improv web site: NY Improv

Top 5 Most Effective Ways for President Bush to Spend the Remaining $54 Million in his Campaign War Chest

5) Buy and burn every copy of "Fahrenheit 911"

4) Throw giant flu shot party at Boca Raton retirement community

3) Make weekly payment to Halliburton

2) Make secret donations to Nader campaign to help undermine the election... oh wait, they did that already!

1) Buy month's supply of sedatives for all shocked Yankees fans

Iraq's Future
An international watchdog group says Iraq is likely to see rampant corruption in its oil industry unless the U.S. and Britain do something to combat bribery and theft of public money. But to do that, someone will first have to do something to combat bribery and the rampant theft of public money in the U.S. and Britain.

Bears Flu Shots
An Illinois health official is protesting the fact that the Chicago Bears all received flu shots this month, saying he can't understand why "top athletes in perfect shape were given special treatment." Obviously, he hasn't seen the Bears play this year.

Last Hot Dog
A Montreal Expos fan paid $2,605 for the last hot dog sold during the team's final home game before being relocated to Washington, DC. Usually if you want to spend that much money on a weenie, you have to make a donation to a political campaign.

Nolte Imposter
Nick Nolte has sent a cease-and-desist order to a man who claims to be him, and is maintaining what purports to be the actor's official online diary. The actor says he's not worried about identity theft, he's just not sure there are enough drugs and booze in the universe to sustain two Nick Noltes.

Doctor Draft?
Senior Pentagon officials say that no war or other national emergency would overwhelm the military's medical care system and require a draft of civilian doctors. But the nation's insurance companies say such a disaster would force them to hire millions more people to process medical forms and then cancel everyone's coverage anyway.