Election Day
Election day is finally here. The total media obsession with the campaign has been great practice for when the Michael Jackson trial finally starts.

Election Day II
18 to 24 year old voters could make the difference if they show up to vote today. The best way to explain the process to them is to say that the election is like "American Idol," but the winner actually has no real talent... oh wait, it's EXACTLY like "American Idol."

Election Day III
The huge voter turnout is causing a lot of confusion across the country, especially in New York where all the long lines have many voters thinking they've accidentally gone to the DMV.

Calling the Winners
After the 2000 election fiasco, all the TV networks are instituting new rules for calling the winners in each race. For the Presidential election, they will only call a winner until all the polls have closed in each state. For the governor's races, they will only call a winner when exit polls show a clear leader. And in the senate race in Illinois, the networks are being especially nice as they promise not to declare Barack Obama the winner until after Alan Keyes gets a chance to cast his vote this morning.

Closing Rallies
John Kerry wrapped up his campaign last night with a rally in Cleveland with a performance by Bruce Springsteen. President Bush's closing rally in Texas featured the Oak Ridge Boys... and Ralph Nader completed his campaign at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike with a live concert by Weird Al Yankovic.

Osama's Message
Osama bin Laden now says his group's goal is to force America into bankruptcy. Too bad Osama... Enron, Tyco, and all the tech stocks beat you too it a long time ago.