LIVE APPEARANCE ALERT!!! I'm back on stage this Saturday night at 7pm at the NY Improv! The Improv is located on 53rd Street just off 8th Avenue. Here's their web site: NY Improv


Announcer: "Hey Yasser Arafat! You're responsible for killing hundreds of innocent people, looting your own people's money and resources, and setting back the peace process for decades! What are you gonna do next?"

Arafat: "I'm going to EuroDisney!"

Arafat to Paris
A seriously ill Yasser Arafat has been sent to Paris for special medical treatment. Experts say Arafat made the decision because French doctors are very good at not only treating ailments, but finding a way to blame them on the Jews.

Arafat Sick
Doctors say Yasser Arafat is suffering from a lack of red blood platelets. Apparently, you can't get red blood from a black heart.

Vatican Rule
Fearing that rosary beads will become trivialized, the Roman Catholic Church is issuing a leaflet saying that they are not a toy. Too bad the Church didn't issue a leaflet telling its priests that altar boys aren't toys either.

Election Predictor
Since 1936, every time the Washington Redskins have won their last home game before the presidential election, the incumbent has lost. Every time they've won, the incumbent has won. This year the Redskins are playing the Packers, so John Kerry is sending all the Packers players his best wishes, and President Bush is sending all the Redskins players a big tax cut.

Wal-Mart vs. Healthcare
Wal-Mart said it will spend $500,000 to defeat a California ballot measure requiring employers to pay for health care coverage for workers. The company also plans to continue to make working at its stores so awful that none of the sick employees will want to get better and come back on the job anyway.

No Carlin at Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart announced that they will not sell George Carlin's new book "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?"... which is strange since so much of Wal-Mart's revenues come from sales of pork chops and books about Jesus.