Friday, November 05, 2004

Great Divide
President Bush' s re-election thanks to religious voters is actually helping to unite the country after all. That's because with four more years of Bush on the way, now all the liberals are praying for salvation too.

Top 5 Ways President Bush Can Unite a Divided America

5) Hide Dick Cheney's heart medication

4) Fill open cabinet posts with popular cast members from the "Apprentice"

3) Bond with losing Democratic candidates and start drinking heavily again

2) Replace efforts to ban gay marriage with new amendment banning J. Lo's next marriage

1) Pull troops out of Iraq, then invade France

Bush on Arafat
President Bush said yesterday that his first reaction after hearing of Yasser Arafat's imminent death was to say "God Bless his Soul." Actually, his first reaction was to say: "I hope the new guy's name won't be too hard to pronounce."

Arafat Confusion
Two U.S. diplomats say Yasser Arafat really is dead, but no one will declare him dead out of respect for Palestinian custom. But it's not clear which custom they're talking about; the practice of burying someone no more than 24 hours after a death, or the custom of carrying out a revenge bombing no more than 12 hours after a death.

"The Incredibles" Opens
Pixar's new movie "The Incredibles" is all about a hopelessly overweight former super hero who comes out of retirement to save the world. Democrats hope the film will serve as an inspiration for Bill Clinton.

Peterson Jury Still Out
Even though the prosecution did a good job showing that Scott Peterson murdered his wife, the jury has not yet delivered a verdict. Experts say that's because some of the religious jurors are willing to ignore all that because of Peterson's strong stand against gay marriage.


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