Self-Exile
In an effort to reunite the country, President Bush is making a special effort to reach out to all the younger Americans who voted against him and now say they want to leave the country... he's sending them to Iraq

Suha's Rant
Yasser Arafat's wife Suha told Al-Jazeera TV that the other Palestinian leaders are trying to "bury Arafat alive." But Palestinian spokesmen say Suha's fears are obviously unfounded, since everyone knows they only do that to Israelis.

Gay Marriage Ban
Now that he's won re-election, President Bush says he will continue to make a very strong effort to ban gay marriage during his second term. Experts say that's the President isn't really against giving gays civil rights, he just wants to make sure his affection and gratitude for Karl Rove doesn't go too far.

Hinckley Leave
The man who shot President Reagan, John Hinckley, is asking for more unsupervised leaves from his mental hospital. The Reagan family is opposed to the request, doctors think it's a good idea, and liberals favor the plan as long Hinckley gets to spend all the time near the White House and Crawford, Texas.

Creationism in the Schools
"Science" classes that reject the theory of evolution are now being taught in Wisconsin public schools. Liberals dropped their opposition to the classes when they realized that if humans really were the result of the survival of the fittest, than there's no way President Bush could have been re-elected.

SBC Sheds Jobs
SBC Communications says it will start massive job cuts in January. The company says this is the best time to make the announcement since it's changing its business model, needs to beat its competitors, and it's too late for the 10,000 newly-unemployed workers to take back their votes for President Bush.