Post-Arafat
Yasser Arafat's continued failure to personally groom a successor has raised the danger of factional conflict among Palestinians. Although it's not expected to cause as much trouble as his continued failure to do any personal grooming.
Post-Arafat II
Palestinian leaders named Mahmoud Abbas to replace Yasser Arafat as the new chairman of the PLO, Rawhi Pattouh replaces him as the new Palestinian president, and Liza Minnelli will replace Suha Arafat as the new fat and drunken Palestinian First Lady.
Arafat Funeral
Yasser Arafat's funeral was held today in Egypt, where the Palestinian leader was born... and in Gaza, where the Palestinian leader was also born... and in Jerusalem, where the Palestinian leader was also born...
Comedy in Class
As part of the New York Comedy Festival, comedians will work as teachers at five public high schools today. Students are excited about being entertained, but they're mostly looking forward to the two drink minimum.
Kinsey Movie
A new movie about sex expert Dr. Alfred Kinsey is drawing huge controversy. Religious groups are protesting the fact that the film doesn't portray Kinsey's apparent tolerance for pedophiles, and Michael Jackson is protesting the fact that the film doesn't portray Kinsey's apparent tolerance for pedophiles.
High School Test
New York says it may have to cancel all G.E.D. exams starting in January, unless it finds $2 million to pay for the test. Luckily, the same kids who swiped last year's biology final are now selling some copies of the G.E.D. for just $50.
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