Arafat Dead
Yasser Arafat has finally passed away. In lieu of flowers, Palestinian leaders are asking their people to recklessly shoot their guns in the air or blow themselves up.

Arafat Dead II
Yasser Arafat truly represented the state of his people. No other individual so embodied the Palestinians' plight, their statelessness, their lack of shaving.

World Reaction
France is honoring Yasser Arafat's lifelong struggles. French leaders say they admired how Arafat always reminded them about the Palestinian cause, the need for human rights, and how to blame everything on the Jews.

World Reaction II
Oil-rich Arab leaders are also mourning Arafat's death. That's because from now on, if they want to keep throwing their money at reckless causes they'll just have to invest in tech stocks.

Veterans Day
In honor of Veterans Day, President Bush laid a wreath at the "Tomb of the Unknowns" at Arlington National Cemetery this morning. It was a special moment for Mr. Bush, because In addition to the remains of unidentified soldiers killed in each of America's wars, the tomb now also contains most of the President's missing National Guard service records.

Private Ryan Pulled
Several ABC stations in the South and Midwest will not air tonight's Veterans Day broadcast of "Saving Private Ryan." The stations apparently object to the film's graphic violence, coarse language, and the fact that it all takes place in France.

Minnelli Sued
Liza Minnelli's longtime bodyguard, M'Hammed Soumayah, is suing the singer for harassment, claiming she forced him to have sex with her. But now that Soumayah has forced us all to imagine Minnelli having sex, millions of Americans are considering suing him for harassment.

Foreign Drivers
The Supreme Court has ruled that drunk driving is not a crime for which an immigrant can be deported. The decision is being hailed by civil rights groups, immigrant community leaders, and every cab driver in New York City.