Powell Gone
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced his resignation today. But since Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfled never really let him do his job anyway, the news is not expected to have any effect.

Powell Gone II
Colin Powell submitted his resignation Monday as Secretary of State, but will stay on until someone with just as good name recognition, but without any respect for himself, is confirmed.

Powell Replacement
Condolezza Rice is expected to replace Powell as Secretary of State. Experts say that's because she is the best at helping President Bush find all those foreign countries on the map.

Mass Resignations
Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham, Education Secretary Rod Paige and Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman also quit today, but they all are sure to find excellent jobs in the private sector. That's because by keeping quiet while their fellow cabinet members misled the whole country, they proved they could fit in perfectly as new board members at Tyco, Enron and Martha Stewart Living.

Cuban Defection
44 Cuban dancers defected to the U.S. after a performace at the Stardust Casino in Nevada last night. This means after years of being degraded and paid little money in Havana, they will all now have the right to be degraded and paid little money in Las Vegas.

Fewer Executions
The number of prisoners being put to death in the U.S. has fallen to a 30-year low. Experts say with Republicans winning so many elections these days, they just don't need to order up as many executions to whip up public support anymore.

Miami Tasers
Florida residents are outraged that police have used tasers on two elementary school children in the past week. The public is shocked that the cops would enter a public school without a more lethal weapon.

Florida Results
Election officials in Florida certified that George Bush won the state by 381,000 votes Sunday with little confusion or controversy... with the exception of the millions of Americans who still want to know what the Hell all those people who voted for Bush were thinking.

Casino Cash
Police in Louisiana say a bag of money stolen from a casino was eventually found by a group of beavers, who used the money to make a dam. The beavers all had their legs broken a few days later.

Cruise's Goal
Tom Cruise reportedly wants to climb Mount Everest once he finishes shooting his new movie "Mission: Impossible III"... which will leave him slightly less drained than everyone who actually sees "Mission: Impossible III"